Even if you're genuinely the sweetest person alive, you've felt frustrated by another person, right? Or you've gone after something sought by others, like a job, or a house...or even a parking space!

Let's say you and someone at work are competing for an opportunity. There is only one spot available and you both have your sights set on it. 

On a basic level, what is your need here?

Spoiler alert: Your need is NOT for the opportunity itself. Depending on what the opportunity is, your need may be for financial security. It may be for growth and progress. It may be for acknowledgement of your hard work. That particular opportunity is a vehicle, or method, for fulfilling that need.

So ask yourself: Is there another way to get your need(s) meet without this specific opportunity? 

YES!

You could get a promotion or an award. You could even change jobs or branch out on your own. You could find another source of income.

The point here is:

“No two people’s needs are ever in conflict. Only the strategies for getting those needs met are in conflict.”

— Neil Strauss

Reflect on a recent conversation that could have gone better, or a conflict you experienced. Maybe you're battling with a significant other, or a friend, or a boss, or a customer service representative. Strip away the rest and drill down on what your common, basic needs are. Maybe it's the need to provide a cohesive, stable environment for your kids [spouse]. Maybe your needs are to feel supported and heard [friend]. Maybe you need to feel valued and trusted [boss]. Maybe the needs are efficiency and reparation [customer service rep]. 

Focus on those common needs and remember: at our core, we all have the same basic needs. What varies are our ideas for how to meet those needs. Some seek validation through fancy possessions and high socioeconomic status. Some look for love in toxic relationships. Some think hoarding what's "theirs" [time/money/ideas/energy] is the only way to ensure there's enough for them. Some of these methods work, and some not so much. Some are harmless, some are harmful - to self/others. Whatever your method is, try to choose one that serves the highest good. So let's do our best to remain open and empathetic to others as we navigate life and work on getting those needs meet. 

“Negative feelings come from unmet needs.”

Anger could stem from a need for respect that isn't honored. Confusion could signal a lack of communication and honesty that are needed. Impatience could be from a need to be understood. Or lezbereal - maybe you're just friggin' HANGRY and need some F O O D!

Strive for internal and external awareness, and look for ways to meet those mutual needs. If you're ever in doubt regarding just what those needs are, do your best to communicate with an active ear and an open mind. If possible, eliminate assumptions and seek confirmation from the other person/people. Put down the gloves and halt the hostility. Sometimes opposition/competition is unavoidable (e.g. vying for a job, or spot on a team, etc) but at the very least, identifying those needs helps you relate to and empathize with the other(s). 

One love,

-w-

Images taken by Abbey Armstrong Photography

Images edited by Brooke Richardson Photography

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

— Lily Tomlin

Think about the last time you were physically hurt. You likely did something to address the pain, right? Popped an aspirin, threw on a rad Power Rangers Band-Aid (because everyone knows cool BandAids are more effective than regular, boring Band-Aids). Even if you try to avoid medicine, you probably took some measure to ease the discomfort (cold washcloth/rest/essential oils/etc). How long did you wait to do something about it?

In her book You Are A Badass, author Jen Sincero brilliantly articulates the power of forgiveness. She highlights the distinction between how we typically treat physical pain as opposed to emotional pain. As she notes, we're typically very proactive and quick on the draw to banish our physical pain...even if this involves the initial discomfort of pouring stinging disinfectant on an open wound or powering through getting stitches. We're motivated to do it right away, because we're intent on our ultimate goal of R E L I E F.

“They caused the first wound, but you are causing the rest; this is what not forgiving does. They got it started, but you keep it going. Forgive and let it go, or it will eat you alive. You think they made you feel this way, but when you won’t forgive, you are the one inflicting the pain on yourself.”

— Bryant McGill

However, when it comes to emotional pain, we're apparently down to see just how much torture we can endure, wallowing in our "guilt, shame, resentment, and self-loathing, sometimes for entire lifetimes." Ring any bells?

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

— Buddha

We prolong our misery by clinging to our ill feelings. We do this by badmouthing our boss/fantasizing about telling our overbearing mother-in-law where to stick it/pondering the many reasons our enemies are wrong and the many reasons we're right. As Sincero points out, we relive our worst moments over and over and over instead of letting them go. Doing so, we pick at the emotional scabs, thereby refusing healing and preventing the pain from subsiding. 

“Reminder: Forgiveness is a process. A choice you have to make over and over, until you’re free from the negative feelings.”

I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard this. We all know we should release our resentments and let that shiz go. It's one thing to know it - it's another to do it. And I can completely relate. I'm definitely not immune to the self-inflicted pain by clinging to past wrongs others have done me, particularly the big whammies. Through effort and mindfulness it's become much easier, but I still have my moments. Rarely do the negative feelings immediately dissolve upon deciding to forgive. They can linger, sometimes re-surfacing after you thought you'd fully released them. Depending on the severity of the wrongdoing, forgiveness is usually a process. A decision you have to make repeatedly. Be patient with yourself and know it's okay if you occasionally get sucked back into the angry/hurt vortex - all that matters is that you find your way back out. 

“When someone does something wrong, don’t forget all the things they did right.”

We all have our own stories of people royally screwing us over. It's life. We've (unintentionally or otherwise) done wrong by others. Here's what I remind myself to make the process easier:

• Being a human is hard sometimes, and a little grace toward someone goes a long way. Hurt people hurt people.
• I'm so grateful for the forgiveness others have extended to me. Who am I to withhold it from others?
• it's friggin' EXHAUSTING to hang onto hurt/anger/resentment. 
• Empathy, understanding, and compassion dissolve anger/guilt/resentment. I always try to understand why the person did what they did - every time, I'm able to trace it to fear/insecurity/hurt the other person is feeling. This immediately reminds me of our collective humanity, and effectively softens my heart toward them. This doesn't mean you condone their actions, but it allows you to empathize, accept the situation, and move onnnn.
• People fight battles we know nothing about.
• Jumping to conclusions and automatically assuming ill intent often proves wrong. Allowing the person the benefit of the doubt is usually the best tactic. If possible, communicate with the other person to express your concern and provide them with a chance to explain themselves. 
• It's often not about you. Step back and be honest with yourself: Are you allowing your insecurities to color your judgment? 

IMPORTANT NOTE: This also applies to self-forgiveness!! Be kind to yourself! Forgive yourself for your own indiscretions and slip ups, and be patient with yourself as you work to forgive others. 

xx,

-w-

Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

“Fashion is what you buy. Style is what you do with it.”

I have so many random pieces in my closet. As with many things in my life, I like to have options. Whether we're talking a fragrance, lippy, shoe, or jacket, I've never liked limiting myself to just one, or even just a few. Not only are my tastes versatile, but I'm always compelled to align my current mood/vibe with my scent/look. (This also extends to music and candle selections, but enough about that.) For me to fulfill this urge, I need a sufficient selection!

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As a stylist and photographer, having a wide-ranging wardrobe with random pieces spanning multiple decades/eras is invaluable. Literally money in the bank. It's fantastic for business and for my creative needs. If a client wants a retro look, BOOM. I'm all over it. If I feel inspired to style and shoot a '90s grunge concept shoot, I'm set. The tradeoff is having a garage full of clothing because you ran out of space inside. Oops. Owning my own clothing boutique has most definitely enabled contributed. 

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I adore the thought of minimizing it all to a capsule wardrobe (a collection of a few essential items that don't go out of fashion, which can then be augmented with seasonal pieces). I find beauty and value in reducing my wardrobe to a small number of classic, quality, timeless pieces. Creating my own personal style legacy, in a sense. But then a rad gold puffer jacket catches my eye, or a darling romper, and the collection grows. 

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It makes my heart sing to have a wide variety to choose from, and to throw random pieces together, like this animal print top with a fringe vest. The hat is from Zara (my fave store), a gift from my sister during our last trip to NYC (isn't she the best?). 

Which do you prefer: a broad closet or a capsule wardrobe?

xx,

-w-

Photos by Brooke Richardson Photography

Wanna know something scary? Don't worry, I never list a problem without providing a solution.

SITTING IS KILLING US. 

Whether you're deep in a Netflix binge or chained to a desk at work, the result is the same: bad news. Sedentary lifestyles are no bueno, and we're sucked into them for a number of reasons:

• Technology makes our lives increasingly more convenient
• Social media hooks us (HELLO mindless scrolling)
• Jobs limit us to one spot for long periods of time (this includes commuting)

I used to think I was in the clear because I consistently worked out and prioritized fitness. PSYYYYYCHE. Turns out, research shows no matter how hard you kill it in the gym, no amount of time or intensity can offset the effects of you being sedentary for 5+ hours. Get this: Sitting for over five hours is the health equivalent to smoking a pack of cigs a day. YIKES. 

However, there is a remedy: standing up every 10 minutes. Ideally, you get the heart pumping a little while you're at it, by doing squats/lunges/jumping jacks/etc, but at the very least, get off your booty. 

Set a timer on your phone to remind you to stand up every ten minutes. Pretty soon, your body will prompt you naturally. For a few years now, I've been standing up every ten minutes, and like clockwork, my body will start screaming at me to stand up on that tenth minute. It's incredible. I personally do squat/lunge variations for a few seconds when I stand.

Still not convinced? Get a load of the following:

• Sitting for long periods of time can cause changes in your muscles. You stop breaking up fat in your bloodstream and start accumulating fat. You get sleepy and gain weight. [New York Times Phys Ed columnist Gretchen Reynolds in her book The First 20 Minutes in an NPR article, inked below].
• When you stand, your heart beats ten times more per minute than when you sit. In a year, this adds up to more than 30,000 calories burned, which equates to running ten marathons [Ragan.com article, linked below]
• Taking walking or water breaks throughout the day can increase productivity by 60 percent!

So LET'S STAND TOGETHER.

xx,

-w-

Resources:

http://annals.org/aim/article-abstract/2653704/patterns-sedentary-behavior-mortality-u-s-middle-aged-older-adults

https://www.npr.org/2012/05/09/152336802/stand-up-walk-around-even-just-for-20-minutes

https://www.ragan.com/Main/Articles/Standing_every_20_minutes_negates_the_effects_of_s_49947.aspx

Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

“It really boils down to this: that all life is interrelated. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied into a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one destiny, affects all indirectly.”

— Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

A friend and I were talking recently about her neighbors' kids knocking on the door daily to ask her boys to play. She added they were even great about playing with her youngest. It struck me how social relations are so much easier with kids! Their line of reasoning seems to be, "You're a kid. I'm a kid. Let's hang!" That's it. Simple as that. Sure, you have the occasional outliers and bullies (which can often be traced to the socialization they're receiving and behavior they're observing at home/elsewhere). 

Somehow along the way, as we grow up, it becomes more complicated. We have less perceived commonality and willingness to overlook differences. Sure, there could be many contributing factors (e.g. as we grow older we identify and develop our specific talents and interests and socialize accordingly; we have less free time due to jobs and other obligations, so we're pickier with whom we spend our limited time, etc). 

Whatever the reasons may be, you have to admit a kid can more seamlessly join a table of kids coloring than an adult can blend into a group of strangers chatting at a cafe. I mean, think about it! If a stranger walked up to you and your friends and was all, "Hey, whatcha guys talking about? Ooh I lovvvve yoga classes too!!! What's your fave, Bikram or meditative? GET OUT - that's my fave too!!!!!!!" Chances are, you'd look at them like, "Girl, you WACK."

“Become friends with people who aren’t your age. Hang out with people whose first language isn’t the same as yours. Get to know someone who doesn’t come from your social class. This is how you see the world. This is how you grow.”

It seems the older we get, the more our differences are heightened and emphasized, and the more our commonalities are minimized and disregarded.  As kids, we weren't yet jaded by the world. We had no awareness of social constructs like status and prestige. We had open minds and hearts. We were untouched by societal ideals and concepts of what's acceptable and what's not; what's cool and what's not; what's sexy and what's not. We just woke up psyched to play. Our main focus was having as much fun as possible each and every day. Sounds like a solid approach to me!

“That’s the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up.”

— Walt Disney

Let's all try to be open minded with others. This doesn't mean you need to become BFFFFFs with every single person you meet. That'd be waaayyyy too many birthday presents to buy (JUST KIDDINGGGG). And if you have social anxiety, or you're an introvert - striking up a conversation with a stranger might not be your jam. Maybe just focus on your thoughts, staying as open-minded and non-judgmental as possible with others. Focus on your similarities and common interests. 

Let's all just get along!

Peace and blessings, homies.

-w-