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D O it T O it
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

Either you run the day or the day runs you.

You and I, we live in a fast-paced world. It doesn't matter if you're a stay-at-home parent running a household or a boss babe (or bro) in a business suit slaying the corporate world, we all have things we need to do; and most of us have a LOT of them. Learning how to manage it all and stay productive is key.

If you're like me, you're alllll 'bout dem to-do lists. Committing to dos to a physical/digital list brings me relief for a few reasons:

  • Eliminates my concern I'll forget them 
    • Especially the future, non-immediate tasks/ideas
  • Allows me to organize and prioritize my plan of attack
  • Tethers them to a structured framework instead of floating around in my head causing anxiety
  • Allows me to focus

I swear, my mind has approximately 167 tabs open at any given time (times two, when I'm trying to fall asleep, ya feel?!), as I'm sure many of you can relate. I have various ventures going on and balls in the air, and my brain is constantly assessing what needs to be done and generating ideas for progression. I mean, CONSTANTLY. In a word, it can be E X H A U S T I N G, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My brain doesn't work in a linear fashion (which can make certain tasks challenging and overwhelming). But it's me, it's the way my brain works, and I've learned how to work with it! Lists are a key element of that. They allow me to compartmentalize my life/to dos and break them down into manageable bites. As they say, the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. [Side question: Why elephants? I ain't tryna eat a sweet, gentle elephant. Why can't it just be a really large watermelon? Are we all agreed? Cool.]

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Anyway. Back to lists.

I recently finished reading Smarter Faster Better by Charles Duhigg, an excellent book on management and leadership (he also wrote Power of Habit, which I read prior to diving into Smarter Faster Better and blogged about earlier; both are fantastic). He has a great way of presenting studies and supporting evidence in an easily digestible way through a narrative method. He sprinkles in relevant stories and examples to scaffold his assertions and illustrate his points so it's not so, you know, friggin' dull.

So in his book he advises using stretch goals. These are lofty goals that you have to, you know, stretch for (apt term, right?). This helps you really maximize your potential and evolve, to truly promote productivity and personal growth (all good things). However, having a list of solely stretch goals isn't stellar, because we neeeed bursts of feelings of accomplishment to help us stay focused, committed, and motivated. Quick little high fives and butt slaps to help us feel like we're doing well and progressing. These help fill our tanks to keep us going on our journey to ultimate fulfillment. 

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule but to schedule your priorities.
— Stephen Covey

Ideally, our lists will include a series of short-term, achievable proximal goals (not too lofty/out of reach/far off) via the SMART system:

  • S: Specific
  • M: Measurable:
  • A: Achievable
  • R: Realistic
  • T: Time-bound

For example, let's say you aspire to de-clutter your house. Here's how you could incorporate the SMART method:

  • Specific: Focus on one room, e.g. kitchen
  • Measurable: Decrease items/appliances on counter to a certain amount, such as six, and de-junk five kitchen drawers
  • Achievable: Adjust the scope to your *realistic* timeframe, schedule, and energy level. Maybe only focus on just the counters and a couple of drawers. Adjusting the scope will help break it down into doable bites to help you from feeling overwhelmed from the task, and frustrated if you don't complete it within the designated time.
  • Realistic: Don't aim for a complete kitchen makeover in one afternoon. 
  • Time-bound: Set your timer for two hours. This will hold you to a deadline and keep you accountable.
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There’s a huge difference between working on something and working towards something.
— Pat Flynn

Some of Duhigg's advice that was new for me was to avoid listing easy items you can check off right away, just for that feel goodness. As he avers, that signals you're using it for mood repair, not productivity. In other words, by doing so, you're more focused on making yourself feel awesome than actually getting shiz done. I mean, yeah, duh, we all want to feel awesome BUT...we'll feel even MORE awesome by amplifying productivity.

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Focus on being productive instead of busy.
— Tim Ferriss

As Duhigg explains, the problem with many to-do lists is when we write down a series of short-term objectives, we're allowing our brains to seize on the sense of satisfaction each task will deliver. We're encouraging our need for closure and our tendency to freeze on a goal without asking if it's the right aim. The result is we spend hours answering unimportant emails instead of writing a big thoughtful memo - because it feels so satisfying to clean out our box. But then...we still feel the bigger task(s) weighing on us, which we ignored. 

As Peter Drucker notes in The Effective Executive (another superb read): 

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
— Peter Drucker

In other words, work smarter, not harder! We have limited time each day, so we need to make the most of it. By prioritizing our to-do lists and choosing our tasks with care, we'll maximize our 24 hours and handle our days like the ballers we are.

xx,

-w-

Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four-hour days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

L E T it G O
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

Newsflash, y'all: We're human! This means we lose our cool. We get impatient, sad, and unreasonable. We snap at people and occasionally act a fool. We sometimes feel anxious, fearful, and unsure.

We've all been there! We all get it. It's not something for which we should hide or criticize ourselves. It's all part of the human experience, amigos. 

The key lies in how quickly and effectively we can get back to good. How speedily we can release those negative vibes and return to those good vibes. 

Exercise the letting go muscle: the healing is in the return, not in never having wandered to begin with.
— Sharon Salzberg

Salzberg is a New York Times best-selling author and teacher of Buddhist meditation practices in the West. Cool lady, I'll tell you that. As she indicates, our "wandering" from peace and happiness is not the focus; rather, it's the return that matters. We're all going to wander - some of us less often, some of us more often, than others. Forget about the frequency. Focus on strengthening the "return" muscle. The more we train and use it, the stronger it gets. The faster and more often you can let go and release those negative emotions, the better you'll get at it. 

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The art of concentration is a continual letting go.
— Sharon Salzberg

Letting go can be tough stuff. It could be letting go of a toxic thought, a resentful feeling, self shame or guilt, frustration, worry, rage, whatever. Sometimes it's not just a snap of the fingers to bring instant relief. It's important to feel those negative emotions (so they don't become repressed and fester), and then let that shiz go. The secret is self compassion. Maybe you made a mistake (yelled at your kids, or wrongly accused your friend) and feel awful about it. It's okay! Genuinely apologize if necessary (if the situation calls for it), make amends if you need to, and move the heck on. Come back into balance with kindness toward yourself. This makes the process faster and restorative. 

Meditation trains the mind the way physical exercise trains the body.
— Sharon Salzberg

Same concept if you're meditating. If you've ever dabbled in it, you know how challenging it can be! It's not about sitting there in perfect, no-thought bliss. Your head will likely be swimming with thoughts, like, "I'm hungry." "I'm tired." "Oh, shoot, I have to buy a birthday present for my friend. I hope I remember to do that!" "How long has it been?" And on and on and ON. But as Superstar Salzberg advises, "The healing is in the return." That right there is why you're meditating: to get better at returning to peace. And if your thoughts keep coming, great! More opportunities to strengthen that "return" muscle and get crazy buff. 

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This universe is much too big to hold onto, but it is the perfect size for letting go.
— Sharon Salzberg

And if anxiety is your thing? Letting go is the antidote! This takes time to master, but once you get the hang of it - it's a beautiful thing. Utterly miraculous. When you're fearful/anxious, you're trusting in your own strength. When you're at ease, you're trusting in the strength of the higher power (God/Universe/Allah/whomever). My favorite mantra recently is: "I relax. I let go. My life is in perfect flow." I repeat this to myself over and over when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Let me tell you, it really comes in clutch every night when I lie down to sleep and have a zillion thoughts sprinting through my head. It grounds and calms my thoughts, serving as a focal point to instantly relax me. Try it!  

xx,

-w-

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I am M E and Y O U are Y O U
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

I’m not beautiful like you. I’m beautiful like me.

Heads up: This is a deeply personal post. Like...I'm about to get reallllyyy real witchu. And you know what? I'm not nervous, or scared, or self conscious. If people read this and think of me differently, I'm okay with that. I'm solid no matter how people perceive me. Vulnerability no longer intimidates me like it used to. Part of that is because I have the best, most supportive people in my life (including you!). But also - I've made peace with what I'm about to share with you! True, lasting peace. I feel solid and great and compelled to share my story to hopefully help others achieve that peace too.

Two things prevent us from happiness: living in the past and observing others.

That doesn't mean I'm going to bare all - a girl's gotta have some secrets! I personally feel there's a time and a place to share your story/stories. Ideally, you'd have a purpose (seeking comfort in a confidant, inspiring others, relating to others, etc), so hopefully you find value in this tell all I'm about to throw down.

Okay, okay, enough prefacing...

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Like most people - especially girls - I have insecurities. Earth shattering, I know (stop eye rolling and stay with me, this isn't my big reveal!).  It's part of the human experience. I accept that and just love myself through them anyway, refusing to let them hold me back. I vanquish them by fully embracing them.

A rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way, and that’s like women too.
— Miranda Kerr

But it wasn't always like that. One insecurity in particular was my feeling of inferiority regarding my sister. If you know my sister, Brooke, you obvi know how stunningly beautiful she is, and fun and talented and and and and... She is a total dime piece. 

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It's a wonder we're so close, because we're polar opposites. She quickly decides, I slowly analyze. She hates working out, I'm gaga about fitness. She's the comfort queen, I suffer for fashion. And on and on. We're three years apart, so back when we were growing up, after elementary we never attended the same school, which allowed us to form our own identities - and those identities were pretty different. 

I think a lot of people compare their insides to other people’s outsides.
— Emma Stone

Then came college, when we officially became peers. We started hanging out with each other, running around with the same people...and dating within the same circles. If you have a sister/close friend, you know this can get messy. Luckily there were only one or two guys we mutually liked (draaaaama drama drama). 

You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and you’re still going to find someone who hates peaches.
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However, I soon started to feel swept into her shadow, which soon became a prison for me. I felt like she was prettier, smarter, funnier, better...and I felt like a L O S E R in comparison. Slowly I started to retreat into myself, and acted like I felt. My vibe started getting lower and lower and would just radiate that low energy. I hated going out with her, because I would feel like the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend - go watch the movie - it's cheesy but I love it!).

Comparison is a slippery slope to envy.

I'd brace myself for the inevitable, "Your sister is so beautiful/cool/fun" comments, each one like daggers to the heart (I know i know - dramatic much?). Honestly though, I physically felt each casual comment like that. I can't tell you how many times I left outings early, feeling so dejected and insecure. I realize that merely reading about my experience may not impart the same severe despondency I felt but y'all - it was absolutely GNARLY. Let's just say it was a pretty sick workout journaling all my feelings! (And before I go further, I want to note: I LOVE MY SISTER. Anytime I would vent to her, she was incredibly loving and supportive.)

You’re never going to be ‘her’ or look like ‘her.’ GOOD. We would miss out on you!

It went on like this for years. I was a slave to my insecurity. Anytime someone would hit that nerve, I would immediately react, usually emotionally and harshly. Brooke is pretty vocal and outspoken. I can be too, but my natural instinct is to balance dynamics, so when I'm with her I'm usually quieter and more reserved. This further fueled the fire, leading me to feel even more like a supporting actress to her leading lady. I remember getting so upset when people would constantly refer to The Paper Doll Boutique (the store we used to own and run together) as Brooke's business. Sure, I understood that much of what drove that assumption was Brooke's physical and vocal presence. She was manning the store during the day, welcoming customers and handling much of the admin issues. I was only there in the evenings, after finishing up at my full-time job during the day. Plus, you definitely know when Brooke is in the room! She's fantastic at meeting and relating to people. 

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One of the final straws was when I was talking to a colleague friend of mine (at my full-time job) about wanting to ask our store's landlord for something. This friend advised having Brooke ask the landlord instead, because Brooke has the looks and charm to make it happen. As you can imagine, this made me feel less than stellar. After the colleague sensed she'd hit a nerve and tried doing damage control, I confided I understood she meant no harm, but it was a sensitive topic for me. Still attempting to mitigate the damage, she added, "I know it has to be hard growing up under her shadow and never feeling like you're enough. One day that won't matter that you're not as charming or pretty." (Again - she honestly meant no harm.)

It finally clicked for me: it wasn't about me at all. I knew my friend had a parallel experience with her older sister. She was viewing my situation through a lens tainted by her own insecurities. She was seeing herself in me. Anything she was telling me, she was essentially telling herself. IT WASN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL. I'd already known on an intellectual level that people's interactions with and perceptions of you are colored by their own issues and self doubts. Somehow - that kick in the gut really solidified that truth for me. 

Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me.

I decided to work on reclaiming my confidence and power I'd given away all those years. The truth is, I let myself feel inferior. Trust me, I'm not criticizing myself - I acknowledge this with a full amount of love and compassion toward myself. But the bottom line remains: I have power over my thoughts and emotions. I have SO MUCH to offer, and I was wasting it by losing myself in comparison. I was determined to reignite my spark.

The truth is, comparing ourselves to others doesn’t just steal our joy, it robs those around us of the rare gift of someone who has learned to offer their uniqueness to the world.
Stay in your lane. Comparison kills creativity and joy.
— Brene Brown

Okay, I'm about to get all Tony Robbins/Oprah/lovey dovey on you. You still with me? Each one of us has a sparkle to share with the world. I 100% believe that and am desperate for everyone to know that too. And I mean, REALLY know that - to your core. 

Don’t compare your real life to someone else’s controlled online content.

It's alarmingly easy to become consumed by comparison, especially with the social media highlight reels we're ambushed with on the daily. I'm constantly having to bitch slap self doubts that try to slither in my thoughts: "Oh, she's so creative. How did she execute that? She's so much more skilled than I am.." "She's a friggin' business prodigy, and she's only 22? Wish I would've been that astute at that age." "She's a millionaire before age 30? Dayumm, how would that be?" 



Just because they reached certain milestones before you did doesn’t mean you won’t get there, too. There are enough houses, marriages, dogs, money, cars, jobs, and vacations to go around.

The more watchful and protective I've become over my thoughts, the more agile and adept I am at keeping them happy and pure and free of dem low vibez. I've conditioned myself to be GENUINELY happy for others' success and blessings, without feeling like it diminishes my own. "That guy has a thriving business and blissful relationship? THAT'S AWESOME!" "That girl has legs for days and a contagious personality? What a babe!" Their success is not my failure! I've learned to view the world through an abundance mindset (more on this in a later post). There isn't a finite amount of money/success/blessings to go around. Yo - we can A L L be happy and successful and beautiful! There's plenty for all of us. What a concept! 

Comparison isn’t just the thief of joy, it’s the thief of EVERYTHING. Keep your eyes on your purposeful path. Celebrate others. Celebrate progress, not perfection. Cultivate gratitude over comparison. Gratitude turns what we have into more than enough.

So let's celebrate our differences. Celebrate ourselves. Celebrate EACH OTHER. We can all rock at the same time!

xx,

-w-

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I N T O the S H A D O W S
Images by Whitney Richardson PhotographyModeled by Nicole SpinnlerAssisted by Cari Spinnler

Images by Whitney Richardson Photography

Modeled by Nicole Spinnler

Assisted by Cari Spinnler

How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole.
— Carl Jung

 

Where there is lightness, there is darkness. Yin and yang. The blazing sun casts a deep shadow. Put simply, it is N A T U R A L. Therefore, it is natural for even the lightest souls to also contain shades of darkness. It is within every single one of us. We all have a shadow. 

When it becomes problematic is when we deny this shadow. We pretend it's not there, or even actively reject it. Why is this problematic? The shadow doesn't easily take a hint, then take a hike. No, it lingers. It lingers and it gets its due by seeping into our thoughts, our actions, and our words, whether we're aware of it or not. Ultimately, it blocks true happiness, authenticity, and evolution. 

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So what is the shadow? The shadow is a concept discovered by the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung. The shadow is the “dark side” of our personality because it consists mainly of primitive, negative human emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, desire, and the desire for power. 

Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we will keep trying to slay them in the outer world. For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there we must do our work.
— Marianne Willamson

The personal shadow is the disowned self. This shadow self represents the parts of us we no longer claim to be our own, including inherent positive qualities.

As I mentioned, these unexamined or disowned parts of our personality don’t go anywhere. As if. Although we deny them in our attempt to cast them out, we don’t eliminate them. They're stillll there.

We repress them; they are part of our unconscious. Put simply, the unconscious is everything of which we are not conscious. 

These emotions are part of our shared humanity. We're all in this together. But as we grow up, something happens.

Traits associated with “being good” are accepted, while others associated with “being bad” are rejected. We all have basic human needs. These needs include physiological needs, safety and security needs, and needs for belonging. These needs are biological and instinctual.

As humans, we are motivated by our needs. So when we perceive an aspect of ourselves as threatening one of our needs (typically the needs for safety, love, and belonging) we shove those aspects into the shadows. We pick up cues from our environment, so if we experience/witness a trait being condemned by others (especially our caretakers), we repress and deny, baby. Repress and deny.

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I mean, think about it. If you go deep and consider this from an evolutionary standpoint, our very safety and existence depends on our caretakers' (parents - biological or otherwise) acceptance and approval. We ain't tryna repel them, leaving us to fend for ourselves. We need them to feed and protect us. And even socially speaking - generally, to be "successful" (personally and professionally) and happy and fulfilled in life, we need social connection. So we will do our damndest to hide any trait we've perceived as socially unacceptable. We want to be liked and accepted by our friends/colleagues/bosses.

Let’s say you realize your need to take better care of yourself (especially you moms and dads!). You create a self-care routine and are feeling psyched about it.

A few days in, though, you start receiving blowback from the people in your life. Maybe your kids are banging on the door while you're working out/meditating, or your boss guilt trips you when you ask to leave work early (or on time!).

Your doubts and fears creep in about this whole self-care thing. You worry you are being regarded as "selfish" and decide to bail on the self care. Before you know it, you’ve taken yourself off your priority list and might even secretly take pride in your selflessness. That’s what “good” people do, after all. Right?

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In your quest to be good (likable, lovable, worthy, enough), your ability to focus on yourself has been pushed into the shadows.

In the above example, the shadow is the desire (or need) for self-care. But, somewhere along the way, you were convinced that focusing on your own needs was wrong or bad (aka selfish) so you rejected those desires by denying their existence. You designed your life so it would always appear you were doing “right” by others.

Our egos use this mechanism to defend itself—to defend how it perceives itself. Our false identities of being “good” keep us from connecting to our shadow, which then keeps us from freedom and true acceptance (internal and external).

All we deny in ourselves—whatever we perceive as inferior, evil, or unacceptable—become part of the shadow. Anything incompatible with our chosen conscious attitude about ourselves moves to this dark side.

Trouble pops up when we fail to see it. 

Get this: The shadow can operate on its own without our full awareness. It’s as if our conscious self goes on autopilot while the unconscious takes the wheel. Remaining unaware of the shadow harms our relationships with our spouses, family, and friends. It will also impact our professional relationships, as well as our leadership abilities.

When we deny ourselves a safe outlet to express our dark side - or refuse to even acknowledge its existence - it builds up and becomes a powerful force capable of destroying our life as well as the lives of those around us.
— Debbie Ford

And those parts of ourselves we slide out of view? We then see them in others.

Whatever qualities we deny in ourselves, we see in others.

In psychology, this is called projection. We project onto others anything we conceal within us.

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.
— Hermann Hesse

For example: Let's say you're pissed at someone for selfishly taking two cookies instead of one, or for interrupting you. This doesn't mean those actions aren't rude. It just means deep down, you recognize those in your shadow self. It should be noted we usually aren't aware of these projections (hopefully you will be after reading this).

These projections distort reality, creating a solid boundary between how we view ourselves and how we behave in reality. 

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Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change.

This is something I'm constantly working on. And you know what? It's not a process from which one ever fully graduates. Sure, it can become easier and more rewarding and enlightening, depending on how you frame it. I've trained myself to appreciate and be grateful for glimpses of my shadow; I now view it as an opportunity to progress and improve myself. But as I indicated with the yin and yang: it's the natural balance of things. Lightness and darkness go hand in hand. It's natural. That darkness has a purpose. Don't let it control you. Accept yourself and accept others. View it with love. Own your darkness and liberate yourself! That will help your light shine even BRIGHTER. 

xx,

-w-

Sometimes someone isn’t ready to see the bright side. Sometimes they need to sit with the shadow first. So be a friend and sit with them. Make the darkness beautiful.
— Victoria Erickson.
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I ACCEPT YOU
Images by Whitney Richardson PhotographyModel: Jennifer Servais

Images by Whitney Richardson Photography

Model: Jennifer Servais

Watch carefully, the magic that occurs when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves.
— Atticus
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Let's start this post with an informal poll: Have you ever been irritated by someone? How about intimidated by someone? Angered by someone?

Call me presumptuous, but I'm going to go ahead and say we've all been there. Just hazarding a guess here.

If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.
— Yogi Bhajan

Feeling those feelings is part of the human experience. It's natural. It's what we do with them that matters. And I don't know about you, but I'd like to keep riding my high vibes. Don't get me wrong, those "negative" emotions - while not fun to feel -  really are absolutely necessary. Here's why: 

  • They balance us out
  • They enhance the "positive" feelings, making them that much sweeter
  • They reveal areas of potential growth and self-evolution
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Love people for who they are and not for who you want them to be. That’s where the disconnection starts.

However, we never want those feelings to control us. So how do we handle those feelings and still feel good, without crossing over into the land of denial, delusion, and insincerity? How do we reclaim our power from those power-leaching feelings when they arise? It can be really friggin' aggravating when an acquaintance keeps the conversation focused on them, or the guy in line behind you keeps hawking a loogie, or a family member keeps leaving a mess for you to clean up, or someone does something SO NOT COOL. Right?! And this isn't limited to feelings of ire: It can be unnerving to be intimated by someone. That's not fun to feel, either.

Remember, people are the least lovable when they need love the most.

So here's what you do: think "I accept you." Really mentally and emotionally commit to that sentiment. Accept that person, despite their annoying habits, or selfish ways. Connect to their humanity. Embrace them in all their flawed glory, just as you'd hope others would do for you. We all screw up. It's not a question of if, it's a question of how. We're still all diamonds, baby.

People do not need to be fixed, they need to be loved.
— Robert Tew

This doesn't mean you should become a pushover and toss all boundaries. If someone does something truly unacceptable, or at least something you feeling strongly enough about to address, then communicate this to the person tactfully. Do it early and do it kindly. However, ideally you'd do it from a place of acceptance and love, not fire and vexation. At the very least, it allows you peace of mind and freedom from those gnarly emotions.

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
— Pema Chodron
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Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.
— Wes Angelozzi

This tactic also works brilliantly in times when you're feeling insecure in someone's presence. Simply thinking, "I accept you" shifts the focus from your insecurity to your capacity. From passivity to activity. It allows you to reclaim your power by stripping the other person of their control over you [whether intentional on their end or not]. Moreover, it does so in a way that is loving and good-vibe inducing [told you, all 'bout dem good vibes]. "I accept you." So the next time you find yourself in the same room as Gigi Hadid [seriously, am I the only one this keeps happening to?], you can tell her how to stop being intimidated by you. Poor girl. But seriously, it's a useful tool for when you're interviewing for a job, or meeting new people, or delivering a speech. Try it!

xx,

-w-

Be the type of person who makes everyone they encounter feel perfectly okay with being exactly who they are.
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