Leggo Your Ego

Finally sat down with the man on the move, Charlie Roberts, to chat about life and how he’s lived it.

Charlie has worked with some major names in music and media, and I admire his drive, his commitment, his audacity, his generosity, and his humility. (I personally benefitted from his expertise when he helped me choose new podcasting equipment. He rules.)

We talk about the trip of growing up in a small town, leaving it to pursue work in the big city, and then returning to the small town. We talk about the creative mind and process, and tips for leveraging it. And my personal favorite, we talk about releasing your ego, while working and while interacting with others. Committing to and taking pride in your work, whether you’re sweeping the floor or running the show.

If you’re looking for an easy yet motivating listen, this is it.

You can find Charlie on:

Instagram: @aycharlie

Facebook: @Charlie Roberts

What Self Love REALLY Looks Like

This topic was requested by a follower, with the acknowledgement that it “already is talked about so much, but we need it more than ever.” WORD. That’s exactly right.

Do you ever feel like you’re constantly in the self-love hole? No matter how much self care you do, or mantras you recite, or exhalations you release, you still feel drained? Regularly filled with negativity/doubt/sadness/shame/anger/resentment? If so, this is for you, no matter your age, gender, class, etc.

I cover what true self care looks like, and how guidance on this topic is often incomplete and even misleading.

Though I always keep it real, I get particularly vulnerable with this episode. I share a personal experience, personal enough to prompt the “maybe I shouldn’t share this” thoughts. But it’s my truth, it’s relevant, and [hopefully] valuable. So here it is.

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Opinions and guidance on this topic are ubiquitous. It’s constantly referenced and encouraged and celebrated and highlighted. And it should be, don’t get me wrong. But. I think much of that guidance is incomplete. Dare I say much of it (though not intentionally) misleads?

Here’s why.

Self care we often hear about entails feel-good self care. Immediate, automatically-soothing self care. You know, massages, baths, naps, etc. Don’t get me wrong: these are an integral part of self care, but they’re just that: a part. If you rely solely on them, you’ll only get partial (and temporary) results.

Think about your personal experience with the lighter side of self care. Does it feel like you can never get enough? Like you’re always in the hole? Do you feel like even when you get a massage, or extra sleep, and though it feels good in the moment, it doesn’t quite hit the TRUE spot? It doesn’t extend far down enough, as if maybe all the bubble baths in the world won’t quite ease the heaviness.

So what else does self care entail, particularly if you want lasting, true results? Results as in a life and body you don’t constantly need to recover from/escape?

Self reflection. I’m not talking the surface self check ins, safe from the reach of heaviness and repressed emotions. I’m talking DIGGING IN. Getting still and real with yourself. Leaning into your shadows. Facing the stuff that brings you to your knees. Practicing radical self honesty. Staying put - physically, mentally, and emotionally - and riding the waves of shame. Gritting your teeth and illuminating those areas where you feel scared, inadequate, defeated. Unpacking why you feel what you feel. Gently but firmly leveling with yourself.

While this can all be done on your own, it also helps to have a caring, objective, and honest third party to spotlight your blind spots and offer perspective. This can be a therapist or trusted confidant. While I highly recommend it - outside perspectives can be invaluable - it’s also crucial you learn to sit with yourself, and truly explore your depths alone. Without distraction.

Walk through the fire. The fire that cleanses and purifies. Just dancing around it with affirmations and inspirational quotes won’t do it. Again, I strongly advocate affirmations and inspirational quotes, but they’re not a cure-all. They’re just part of your toolbox. The fire is there, waiting to burn away what no longer serves you, and forge you into whom you were meant - and deserve - to be. I see self love as a mode of self empowerment.

Self love calls for you to honor yourself, which means not betraying yourself.

Not betraying your truth. Not violating your boundaries - with yourself and others. Not carrying what isn’t yours to carry.

I’ll share a personal story of how I learned I was betraying myself. You might relate.

I’ve been single for almost all of my life. As I outlined in a previous social media post, I don’t believe there’s a simple, reductive reason why. As with anyone, there are multiple contributing factors to why we’re each in our current life statuses, right?

For many years I let myself believe I was perma-single because I was somehow…deficient. For whatever reason. Maybe I was missing a chip preventing me from falling in love. My friends and I used to call myself the Ice Queen, for how emotionally uninvested I could be. Then in my mid-20s I fell in love (spoiler alert: didn’t last), so that wasn’t it.

Hmm, new theories. Well, maybe I’m just too picky, or independent, or commitment-averse, or wild. And/or maybe I’m a self sabotager. I mean, here I am, defying the norm and expectations by daring to still be single into my 30s. Surely that’s pathological, right? I’m supposed to be married with kids by now (or so my immediate society continually preached).

So as another relationship fell through (almost always from me bailing), these theories really solidified. My self-concept as a broken person in desperate need of healing really gelled. So with this mindset, I entered my most recent relationship. I even warned my new boyfriend my resistance would soon set in and I would start to pull away, but that he should just power through and not take it as personal. I helped set the framework of me as the problem one, and he sustained it.

Fast forward a few weeks, and the resistance was NOT. LETTING UP. In fact, it was deepening, despite my best attempts at dissolving it. We argued often and intensely. Essentially, it came down to incompatibility of our wants and needs in a relationship. Almost always, my resistance and “issues” were cited as the troublemakers.

And I allowed that. I continually beat myself up for not being a better partner. For falling short. For not doing more, being more, saying more. For feeling resistance. For feeling frustrated and resentful. Throughout my life, I’ve tried being everything to everyone: the best girlfriend, the best sister, the best friend, the best daughter, the best employee, the best light bringer, the best ally. The ultimate fixer, the savior to all. I had a few friends going through extremely tough times, and constantly being there for consumed much of my mental and emotional bandwidth. I felt depleted from giving my all…and it still wasn’t enough. So I accepted the blame for the relationship storms. Clearly, I was just too selfish. He was prioritizing me to the absolute max. Almost anything he requested, he gave: maximum time, maximum attention, maximum focus, maximum words of affirmation. Like…more than I have ever received from any one person in my entire life.

Sounds like a dream, right? Yet…

I felt…exhausted. Maybe I’d just been on my own too long. Maybe I was too set in my ways. I just needed to get over myself and prioritize him more, give him more, give him what he was wanting and needing. With this relationship, I actually truly wanted to make it work. To work through the suck, to go all in, to come out the other side. I wanted my first and lasting success story. I really cared about him.

I interpreted my resentment, anger, and frustration regarding our relationship as weaknesses, not red flags. My mistake.

Finally, he’d had enough. Resentment was building on both sides, for opposite reasons. Even though I was pissed, when he called to break it off, it still stung. I remember thinking, “Oh man. This could shatter me.” Because though I was deeply relieved, I was also [initially] deeply hurt. It felt like a giant, confirming dose of “you’re a shitty partner and will never give enough/be enough, no matter how hard you try.” Let the shame storm commence.

I bathed in the shame and dejection for about two hours. Then one of my closest friends called about something unrelated. When I broke the news to her, she immediately urged me to fight for the relationship, to not give up. To fight for my relationship with him like I’d fought for my friendship with her. As I considered it, I felt a sense of bone-deep calm wash over me. I suddenly felt completely at peace with how things turned out, and had absolutely no desire to change them.

The next day, I woke feeling hopeful. Upbeat. Later that day, my best friend called to discuss the breakup. Though I didn’t feel down and out like I expected, I still carried the heaviness of believing the failed relationship was largely my fault. I viewed it as confirmation I simply wasn’t cut out for a lasting relationship, and I would just make peace with that.

Thank god my best amiga is as wise as she is. As always, she listened actively and patiently, then cut through the noise, straight to the core. She noted how I’d never faulted or shamed him for his needs. She also gently averred I wasn’t honoring MY needs. I was so focused on his unmet needs, I wasn’t asserting my own.

It was one of THE biggest clarifying moments of my entire life. Total breakthrough. I’d recently vaguely started to notice I’d always been more concerned with what I brought to relationships than what I wanted/required from them. I’m not saying I’m a total innocent, who only gives and never takes (in relationships or in general). That’s definitely not true. But, in trying to be everything to everyone, I’d lost myself. I’d not only stopped advocating for what I needed/wanted, I also stopped identifying what I needed/wanted.

(Stay with me - I’m tying this back into self love, I swear!) Not only that, as my bestie pointed out, I also wasn’t honoring my intuition. The signs my mind, soul, and body were repeatedly giving me telling me the relationship wasn’t a true, lasting fit.

I had effectively, yet unintentionally, betrayed myself. I betrayed myself by not setting and honoring boundaries with myself and others. I betrayed myself by accepting blame that wasn’t mine. By carrying what wasn’t mine to carry. By not knowing and communicating and respecting my wants and needs. By overriding my intuition.

I’ll be honest, sharing this story was…tough. My default has always been to take the blame. Part of this is from my past, and part of this is because I feared if I unapologetically spoke my truth, people would think me arrogant, narcissistic, self-unaware, and untrustworthy. I always felt compelled to both internally and externally step up and accept the heat. That’s what evolved people do, that’s what leaders do, that’s what self-aware people do.

But now I’ve realized there’s more to it than that. Being self aware and unapologetic aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s okay to tell my truth untempered by self deprecation. This doesn’t mean I don’t see or admit my faults. I absolutely do, and am forever committed to personal development. But I am also done with taking on what isn’t mine. I’m done worrying about being/appearing selfish and unaware. Not everyone will understand, and agree. I relieve myself of the expectation to convince others, and I relieve others of the expectation to validate me. All I can do is live and speak my truth; how others receive it is their business.

I’m done mistrusting myself. I’m done abandoning myself in the name of self awareness.

I will continue to seek opportunities and feedback to learn and grow, but I won’t lose myself in the process.

The process of honoring, loving, respecting, and empowering yourself isn’t gentle…but it’s transformative. It’ll bring you relief like you’ve never before experienced in your life. Earth-shattering, authentic relief. Peace. Well-being.

I speak from experience. Ever since that post-breakup conversation with my bestie two months ago, something clicked. I’ve been transformed. I returned to myself. I shed the shame and the guilt and the burden I’d been carrying virtually my entire life. I reclaimed my power, my truth. My LOVE. This might sound hyperbolic and dramatic, but remember what I said about speaking my truth? You don’t have to believe me, but I can unequivocally say I’ve been utterly euphoric. I’ve been flooded with happiness, gratitude, acceptance, and peace. I’d wake with a giant smile on my face (even at 4 am), and it didn’t stop until I easily drifted off to sleep that night. I had more patience, more clarity, more brainpower. It actually concerned me at first: I’d just been dumped, how could I feel on top of the world? Surely this was a false high, part of the healing process. The calm before the storm. A delayed processing of emotions, the “denial” phase of the grieving process. I’d probs crash in a few days. And yet…no crash. I’m still consistently riding cloud nine.

I’ve always been happy and grateful overall but this is different. I feel so stable, so solid, so FULFILLED.

And I credit this to coming back to myself. Honoring and respecting myself, in every way. Even if it inconveniences others, even if it disagrees with others. This doesn’t mean I won’t honor and respect them too - it’s not all about me and getting mine. It’s about balancing, and ensuring I don’t lose myself in accommodating others.

Essentially, it comes down to taking responsibility for ourselves: for our wellbeing, for our actions, for our reactions, for our beliefs, for our thoughts. For our wants and our needs. For our voids. For our validation. For our truth. For our potential.

We’re all capable of being toxic. None of us are perfect. Nobody always gets it right. Not one person is 100% innocent 100% of the time. We all have bangs and bruises from life (some more severe than others’) that can continue to impact our life and others’. Life might’ve dealt us a tough hand (some tougher than others). Sure, it’s important to grant ourselves grace and empathy. However, comprehensive self love extends beyond that. Our response, our healing, is on us - so we don’t bleed onto others.

It’s not my job to “fix” others. And let’s be honest, to think it is is actually (though well-intentioned) arrogant and disrespectful to them, their journey, and their capabilities. Again, we’re each responsible for ourselves. I will be the best friend, partner, family member, and human I can be, but I must honor my limits and boundaries. I am done carrying what’s not mine.

If I truly want to help others and contribute to the highest good, the best things I can do are continue to self reflect and love myself.

However, self reflection and self healing can also be a slippery slope I’ve skidded down most of my life. Solely seeing myself as perpetually “needing healing” contributed to my “broken” self concept, allowing me to so easily fall into the relationship dynamics I did. So now I see it less as healing, and more as evolving. Growing. Opening. Manifesting. Aligning. Awakening.

I think of all the time and energy I’ve spent on disliking myself: my body, my looks, my characteristics, my capabilities. I’ve cultivated awareness of sly negative self talk. Now when body dysmporphic thoughts creep in and I start criticizing my body, I stop and think, “What a waste of time and energy. I could use this energy to do something productive and useful.” That didn’t come automatically. It took time to lay the groundwork and build awareness and annihilate those thoughts (fun fact: a definition of annihilate is to convert into radiant energy).

Loving ourselves is accepting ourselves. Our incongruences. Our oddities. Our “flaws.” Our quirks. Our layers. Accepting ourselves, but not sliding into complacency or self denial. Accepting ourselves while becoming the best version of ourselves. Doing right by us while doing right by others.

Both the lighter and heavier sides of self care aren’t intended to be one and done. They’re maintenance measures, intended to be repeated. It’s a journey, a process. An awakening. As long as we keep living, we gotta keep loving.

So here’s to cherishing ourselves. Accepting compliments. Owning our strengths. Honing our growth areas. Respecting our boundaries. Speaking well of ourselves. Fueling ourselves. Prioritizing ourselves. Giving and receiving love. BECAUSE WE DESERVE IT.

Here’s why.

Self care we often hear about entails feel-good self care. Immediate, automatically-soothing self care. You know, massages, baths, naps, etc. Don’t get me wrong: these are an integral part of self care, but they’re just that: a part. If you rely solely on them, you’ll only get partial (and temporary) results.

Think about your personal experience with the lighter side of self care. Does it feel like you can never get enough? Like you’re always in the hole? Do you feel like even when you get a massage, or extra sleep, and though it feels good in the moment, it doesn’t quite hit the TRUE spot? It doesn’t extend far down enough, as if maybe all the bubble baths in the world won’t quite ease the heaviness.

So what else does self care entail, particularly if you want lasting, true results? Results as in a life and body you don’t constantly need to recover from/escape?

Self reflection. I’m not talking the surface self check ins, safe from the reach of heaviness and repressed emotions. I’m talking DIGGING IN. Getting still and real with yourself. Leaning into your shadows. Facing the stuff that brings you to your knees. Practicing radical self honesty. Staying put - physically, mentally, and emotionally - and riding the waves of shame. Gritting your teeth and illuminating those areas where you feel scared, inadequate, defeated. Unpacking why you feel what you feel. Gently but firmly leveling with yourself.

While this can all be done on your own, it also helps to have a caring, objective, and honest third party to spotlight your blind spots and offer perspective. This can be a therapist or trusted confidant. While I highly recommend it - outside perspectives can be invaluable - it’s also crucial you learn to sit with yourself, and truly explore your depths alone. Without distraction.

Walk through the fire. The fire that cleanses and purifies. Just dancing around it with affirmations and inspirational quotes won’t do it. Again, I strongly advocate affirmations and inspirational quotes, but they’re not a cure-all. They’re just part of your toolbox. The fire is there, waiting to burn away what no longer serves you, and forge you into whom you were meant - and deserve - to be. I see self love as a mode of self empowerment.

Self love calls for you to honor yourself, which means not betraying yourself.

Not betraying your truth. Not violating your boundaries - with yourself and others. Not carrying what isn’t yours to carry.

I’ll share a personal story of how I learned I was betraying myself. You might relate.

I’ve been single for almost all of my life. As I outlined in a previous social media post, I don’t believe there’s a simple, reductive reason why. As with anyone, there are multiple contributing factors to why we’re each in our current life statuses, right?

For many years I let myself believe I was perma-single because I was somehow…deficient. For whatever reason. Maybe I was missing a chip preventing me from falling in love. My friends and I used to call myself the Ice Queen, for how emotionally uninvested I could be. Then in my mid-20s I fell in love (spoiler alert: didn’t last), so that wasn’t it.

Hmm, new theories. Well, maybe I’m just too picky, or independent, or commitment-averse, or wild. And/or maybe I’m a self sabotager. I mean, here I am, defying the norm and expectations by daring to still be single into my 30s. Surely that’s pathological, right? I’m supposed to be married with kids by now (or so my immediate society continually preached).

So as another relationship fell through (almost always from me bailing), these theories really solidified. My self-concept as a broken person in desperate need of healing really gelled. So with this mindset, I entered my most recent relationship. I even warned my new boyfriend my resistance would soon set in and I would start to pull away, but that he should just power through and not take it as personal. I helped set the framework of me as the problem one, and he sustained it.

Fast forward a few weeks, and the resistance was NOT. LETTING UP. In fact, it was deepening, despite my best attempts at dissolving it. We argued often and intensely. Essentially, it came down to incompatibility of our wants and needs in a relationship. Almost always, my resistance and “issues” were cited as the troublemakers.

And I allowed that. I continually beat myself up for not being a better partner. For falling short. For not doing more, being more, saying more. For feeling resistance. For feeling frustrated and resentful. Throughout my life, I’ve tried being everything to everyone: the best girlfriend, the best sister, the best friend, the best daughter, the best employee, the best light bringer, the best ally. The ultimate fixer, the savior to all. I had a few friends going through extremely tough times, and constantly being there for consumed much of my mental and emotional bandwidth. I felt depleted from giving my all…and it still wasn’t enough. So I accepted the blame for the relationship storms. Clearly, I was just too selfish. He was prioritizing me to the absolute max. Almost anything he requested, he gave: maximum time, maximum attention, maximum focus, maximum words of affirmation. Like…more than I have ever received from any one person in my entire life.

Sounds like a dream, right? Yet…

I felt…exhausted. Maybe I’d just been on my own too long. Maybe I was too set in my ways. I just needed to get over myself and prioritize him more, give him more, give him what he was wanting and needing. With this relationship, I actually truly wanted to make it work. To work through the suck, to go all in, to come out the other side. I wanted my first and lasting success story. I really cared about him.

I interpreted my resentment, anger, and frustration regarding our relationship as weaknesses, not red flags. My mistake.

Finally, he’d had enough. Resentment was building on both sides, for opposite reasons. Even though I was pissed, when he called to break it off, it still stung. I remember thinking, “Oh man. This could shatter me.” Because though I was deeply relieved, I was also [initially] deeply hurt. It felt like a giant, confirming dose of “you’re a shitty partner and will never give enough/be enough, no matter how hard you try.” Let the shame storm commence.

I bathed in the shame and dejection for about two hours. Then one of my closest friends called about something unrelated. When I broke the news to her, she immediately urged me to fight for the relationship, to not give up. To fight for my relationship with him like I’d fought for my friendship with her. As I considered it, I felt a sense of bone-deep calm wash over me. I suddenly felt completely at peace with how things turned out, and had absolutely no desire to change them.

The next day, I woke feeling hopeful. Upbeat. Later that day, my best friend called to discuss the breakup. Though I didn’t feel down and out like I expected, I still carried the heaviness of believing the failed relationship was largely my fault. I viewed it as confirmation I simply wasn’t cut out for a lasting relationship, and I would just make peace with that.

Thank god my best amiga is as wise as she is. As always, she listened actively and patiently, then cut through the noise, straight to the core. She noted how I’d never faulted or shamed him for his needs. She also gently averred I wasn’t honoring MY needs. I was so focused on his unmet needs, I wasn’t asserting my own.

It was one of THE biggest clarifying moments of my entire life. Total breakthrough. I’d recently vaguely started to notice I’d always been more concerned with what I brought to relationships than what I wanted/required from them. I’m not saying I’m a total innocent, who only gives and never takes (in relationships or in general). That’s definitely not true. But, in trying to be everything to everyone, I’d lost myself. I’d not only stopped advocating for what I needed/wanted, I also stopped identifying what I needed/wanted.

(Stay with me - I’m tying this back into self love, I swear!) Not only that, as my bestie pointed out, I also wasn’t honoring my intuition. The signs my mind, soul, and body were repeatedly giving me telling me the relationship wasn’t a true, lasting fit.

I had effectively, yet unintentionally, betrayed myself. I betrayed myself by not setting and honoring boundaries with myself and others. I betrayed myself by accepting blame that wasn’t mine. By carrying what wasn’t mine to carry. By not knowing and communicating and respecting my wants and needs. By overriding my intuition.

I’ll be honest, sharing this story was…tough. My default has always been to take the blame. Part of this is from my past, and part of this is because I feared if I unapologetically spoke my truth, people would think me arrogant, narcissistic, self-unaware, and untrustworthy. I always felt compelled to both internally and externally step up and accept the heat. That’s what evolved people do, that’s what leaders do, that’s what self-aware people do.

But now I’ve realized there’s more to it than that. Being self aware and unapologetic aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s okay to tell my truth untempered by self deprecation. This doesn’t mean I don’t see or admit my faults. I absolutely do, and am forever committed to personal development. But I am also done with taking on what isn’t mine. I’m done worrying about being/appearing selfish and unaware. Not everyone will understand, and agree. I relieve myself of the expectation to convince others, and I relieve others of the expectation to validate me. All I can do is live and speak my truth; how others receive it is their business.

I’m done mistrusting myself. I’m done abandoning myself in the name of self awareness.

I will continue to seek opportunities and feedback to learn and grow, but I won’t lose myself in the process.

The process of honoring, loving, respecting, and empowering yourself isn’t gentle…but it’s transformative. It’ll bring you relief like you’ve never before experienced in your life. Earth-shattering, authentic relief. Peace. Well-being.

I speak from experience. Ever since that post-breakup conversation with my bestie two months ago, something clicked. I’ve been transformed. I returned to myself. I shed the shame and the guilt and the burden I’d been carrying virtually my entire life. I reclaimed my power, my truth. My LOVE. This might sound hyperbolic and dramatic, but remember what I said about speaking my truth? You don’t have to believe me, but I can unequivocally say I’ve been utterly euphoric. I’ve been flooded with happiness, gratitude, acceptance, and peace. I’d wake with a giant smile on my face (even at 4 am), and it didn’t stop until I easily drifted off to sleep that night. I had more patience, more clarity, more brainpower. It actually concerned me at first: I’d just been dumped, how could I feel on top of the world? Surely this was a false high, part of the healing process. The calm before the storm. A delayed processing of emotions, the “denial” phase of the grieving process. I’d probs crash in a few days. And yet…no crash. I’m still consistently riding cloud nine.

I’ve always been happy and grateful overall but this is different. I feel so stable, so solid, so FULFILLED.

And I credit this to coming back to myself. Honoring and respecting myself, in every way. Even if it inconveniences others, even if it disagrees with others. This doesn’t mean I won’t honor and respect them too - it’s not all about me and getting mine. It’s about balancing, and ensuring I don’t lose myself in accommodating others.

Essentially, it comes down to taking responsibility for ourselves: for our wellbeing, for our actions, for our reactions, for our beliefs, for our thoughts. For our wants and our needs. For our voids. For our validation. For our truth. For our potential.

We’re all capable of being toxic. None of us are perfect. Nobody always gets it right. Not one person is 100% innocent 100% of the time. We all have bangs and bruises from life (some more severe than others’) that can continue to impact our life and others’. Life might’ve dealt us a tough hand (some tougher than others). Sure, it’s important to grant ourselves grace and empathy. However, comprehensive self love extends beyond that. Our response, our healing, is on us - so we don’t bleed onto others.

It’s not my job to “fix” others. And let’s be honest, to think it is is actually (though well-intentioned) arrogant and disrespectful to them, their journey, and their capabilities. Again, we’re each responsible for ourselves. I will be the best friend, partner, family member, and human I can be, but I must honor my limits and boundaries. I am done carrying what’s not mine.

If I truly want to help others and contribute to the highest good, the best things I can do are continue to self reflect and love myself.

However, self reflection and self healing can also be a slippery slope I’ve skidded down most of my life. Solely seeing myself as perpetually “needing healing” contributed to my “broken” self concept, allowing me to so easily fall into the relationship dynamics I did. So now I see it less as healing, and more as evolving. Growing. Opening. Manifesting. Aligning. Awakening.

I think of all the time and energy I’ve spent on disliking myself: my body, my looks, my characteristics, my capabilities. I’ve cultivated awareness of sly negative self talk. Now when body dysmporphic thoughts creep in and I start criticizing my body, I stop and think, “What a waste of time and energy. I could use this energy to do something productive and useful.” That didn’t come automatically. It took time to lay the groundwork and build awareness and annihilate those thoughts (fun fact: a definition of annihilate is to convert into radiant energy).

Loving ourselves is accepting ourselves. Our incongruences. Our oddities. Our “flaws.” Our quirks. Our layers. Accepting ourselves, but not sliding into complacency or self denial. Accepting ourselves while becoming the best version of ourselves. Doing right by us while doing right by others.

It also entails taking care of our mental health, and seeking help when and if necessary.

Both the lighter and heavier sides of self care aren’t intended to be one and done. They’re maintenance measures, intended to be repeated. It’s a journey, a process. An awakening. As long as we keep living, we gotta keep loving.

So here’s to cherishing ourselves. Accepting compliments. Owning our strengths. Honing our growth areas. Respecting our boundaries. Speaking well of ourselves. Fueling ourselves. Prioritizing ourselves. Giving and receiving love. BECAUSE WE DESERVE IT.

Showing Up for Yourself

The topic for this episode was requested by a listener, and what a hard-hitting topic it is, that encompasses so much. The full request was for motivation and showing up for yourself, and this episode covers both, since they’re closely related. This is especially relevant for me as I get back into podcasting. Podcasting elates and fulfills me, but I tend to resist what I know is good for me, and what I know will make me happy, as a form of self sabotage. As if I’m only comfortable when there’s some discomfort. I’m okay with a certain amount of success and wellbeing, but too much and I run scared. It throws me.

I’m progressively mastering navigating this. Knowing when to exercise discipline and push through, and when to grant grace and respite. It’s a journey.

Everybody is different. We’re all in different places on the balance spectrum, and require different lifestyles to balance us. We’re also motivated differently: some intrinsically, some extrinsically. Some derive fuel from the haters and doubters, some withdraw.

Self awareness is key: We need to reflect and do our shadow work and level with ourselves, to know what drives and motivates us, and to know when to use discipline, and when to use grace. To know where to step it up + venture out (literally/figuratively) and where to pump the brakes and ease up. 

I share many of my self-motivating practices and life hacks, to light and maintain my fire. Some of these might surprise you.

Showing up for yourself varies not only interpersonally (among people), but also intrapersonally (with yourself). It’ll likely vary decade to decade, phase to phase, year to year, season to season, month to month, day to day, hour to hour, even minute to minute. Our values shift, our priorities change. Mine definitely have, (especially since COVID). 

We’re growing, evolving (at least hopefully!) beings who don’t live in a vacuum. We don’t control others, and we don’t control what happens to us. 

Being open to it all, accepting, and flowing with it is a main theme of my work. Attending to your ultimate good, and the highest good for all, won’t look the same now as it did before - for you or for anyone else. 

That’s why it’s important to stay connected, especially with yourself. Again, self awareness is CRUCIAL. Powerful. Transformative. Identifying what motivates you. What lights you up. Dialing into why you’re doing what you’re doing, why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, what you need vs. what you think you need. If any wounds/insecurities are calling the shots. When you need to push through and when you need to pull back. When you should contract, when you should expand. When you should pivot and redirect, and when you should stay the course. 

So tune into yourself. Get to know yourself Identify your thought patterns, particularly those based in fear. Understand why you do what you do and think what you think, to help you recognize when you’re being led by fear/trauma, and when you’re being led by intuition/wisdom. Practice separating from your thoughts, your mental narrative. Get comfortable dialing into your core, your true self, your inner wisdom. You know what you need. You always have, and you always will. It’s simply a matter of you holding space for yourself to acknowledge and honor your inner guidance. 

I love you.

Getting Real About Trauma

I’m back with a heavy-hitting episode, wherein my brave and wonderful friend Stormy Heinz shares her experience with trauma: both as a survivor and an educator.

Sound personally irrelevant to you? Hold up. Just because you yourself have not experienced significant trauma, many, many others have, whether they’ve revealed (or even recognized!) this or not. And trauma affects ALL of us, if not directly, then absolutely indirectly. Statistics clearly show how disturbingly prevalent it is (human trafficking ring a bell?), and its far-reaching effects on our relationships, our communities, and our society in general. You also might be surprised to learn what qualifies as trauma - something we touch on in our chat.

Stormy and I discuss various manifestations of trauma, and its cascading ripple effects. Stormy offers guidance on addressing and coping with trauma, whether as an experiencer or a supporter. She also mentions the ACEs test (Adverse Childhood Experiences). You can take the ACEs test here

To learn more, check the CDC’s ACE Study website.

There are some solid life truths in here, so it’s definitely worth a listen.

Stormy is an English teacher, with a BA in English and an MEd in curriculum and instruction with an adolescent literary emphasis. She also instructs fellow educators on recognizing and handling trauma in students.

Thank you.

McCool Story, Bro

My latest guest is one [mc]cool cat.

I first met Tyler McCool a few years ago while shooting a wedding with my sister in gorgeous upstate New York. He was the videographer and was serving major good vibes: fun, friendly, focused, and…chill (for once in my life, I ran out of F words!).

We’ve stayed connected through Instagram since then, and Tyler’s account is one of my faves. He’s a fellow creative who knows how to have a good time. His talent runs wide and deep - just like our conversation. When he’s not making me laugh, he’s making me think: with his art, his poetry, his funny responses to my Insta stories…

I hit him with some questions, and he delivered. We talk creating, living, loving, and evolving.

Enjoy.

You can find Tyler online (www.mccoolmedia.com) or on Instagram (@mccooltyler)

Do Your Best and Forget the Rest

Who do you call when anxiety levels are rising and people are feeling more uneasy than ever? Even the Ghostbusters would tell you to call the Social Ninjas!

Though my two guests, Kyle and Jeremy, topically focus on social anxiety, this episode applies to all types of anxiety, let’s be real - life in general!

If you’re seeking something to ground you and help you reframe your current situation…this is it. This is for YOU.

You can listen to The Social Ninjas Podcast on all podcast platforms and follow them on Instagram @the_social_ninjas

You can find Kyle on Instagram @social_anxiety_kyle and Jeremy @jeremytalkstostrangers

Releasing Judgment

This year, I again had the honor of speaking at The Women’s Networking Group monthly gathering, founded by my good friend (and previous pod guest) Brianne Sloan.

Last time, I spoke on boundaries (you can listen on episode 8 posted 02/03/2019). This time, I spoke on releasing judgment.

What a relevant topic, huh? One that applies to ALL of us. Truly. Whether we’re judging or being judged - it’s our reality. This episode isn’t about shaming yourself/others for judging, nor is it about eliminating judgment entirely. Let’s be kind to ourselves, and let’s be real with ourselves. My objective with this episode is to explain why judgment happens, and to offer different ways of viewing yourself and others - all to inspire understanding, compassion, and acceptance. Only by understanding judgment can we transcend it and reclaim our power from it.

Thank you for listening.

Keep It Simple

In this episode, I sit down with Darren Hansen for a dynamic, fun, and informational conversation. Darren is the owner and head coach of Hansen Athletics, where he and his coaches deliver customized strength and conditioning training to not just athletes, but anyone who wants to be their best self. As Darren highlights, the physical aspect is only part of it. True self optimization happens by showing up for yourself, getting your mind right, dialing in your rest and nutrition, knowing your power, and keeping it SIMPLE.

This episode offers something for everyone, regardless of your current fitness level. If you’re a human and are interested in leveling up and FEELING good - this is for you.

Darren is a Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist, has a BS in Exercise Science, and is a certified USAW-National Coach.

Find Hansen Athletics:

Blog/apparel/podcast: www.hansenathletics.com

Instagram: @hansenathletics

Facebook: HansenAthletics

YouTube: HansenAthletics

HansenAthletics Podcast: Spotify | iTunes | website

Find Darren:

Instagram @coachdarrenh

Twitter @CoachDarrenH

EmPOWERment

What a powerful and illuminating episode this is! Parris Hodges and I go wide and deep in this wide-ranging and transformative conversation. Parris is a remarkable and inspirational human who has overcome a great deal and is committed and exceptional at empowering not only herself, but others. I applaud and appreciate her willingness to share as openly as she does, and she does so to connect with and help others.

We discuss identifying and understanding the stories we tell ourselves, taking ownership of our lives and healing, accessing our power, reframing situations and extracting value, soliciting feedback, detaching from things beyond our control, embracing shadow work and growth, and finding joy through it all.

Parris radiates light and love and is someone with whom I connect on the deepest of levels. Our lives and experience are vastly different yet eerily parallel, which just goes to show how connected we all are, no matter the individual journey.

I hope you find this valuable.

Thank you for listening.

xx,

-w-

You can find Parris on Social Media:

Instagram: @parris.hodges

Facebook: Parris Hodges

Let's Get Physical

Photos by me

When it comes to fitness, how do I know when to power through and when to rest? How do I know if I’m doing too much? Is it possible to actually like working out? What are tips for staying motivated? What are aspects of fitness I might be overlooking? How can I feel better as I get older?

If you’ve ever had these questions, you’re in the right place. In this episode, I sit down with the powerhouse Jen Simmons of Jriven Fitness to address these and so many more! Jen has many certifications, among which are: NASM CPT; LPTA; USA Level 1.

And we don’t just restrict it to the world of working out. We also discuss business, goals, and inspiration - like how Jen decided to go for it and open her own gym (which has been a smashing success).

It’s a fun, free-flowing, motivational, and knowledge-packed conversation that leaves you feeling PUMPED.

You can find Jen:

Instagram: 

@coachjensimmons

@jrivenfitness

Website:

www.jrivenfitness.com

Connecting with Yourself and Others

Images by Tara Tracy Photography

In this episode, I sit down with a soul sister of mine, Brianne Sloan. Though our conversation was diversified, a common thread tying it all together was connecting with others and with yourself. This includes personal empowerment and interpersonal empowerment, through loving and respecting yourself and others and taking action. We discuss body neutrality, life lessons, and how to be a nice human.

She is a multi-faceted creator and connector. As the founder of the Women’s Networking Group, she “approaches networking differently, relaxed and intuitively.” (You know I’m all about living intuitively!) As a photographer and artist, she offers a beautiful and unique perspective on the world, its beauty, and its beautiful people. As a mother, she nurtures love, curiosity, and empathy.

Bri is a force in every way. She’s remarkably talented, she’s driven, she’s strong (mentally and physically), she’s empathetic, she’s intelligent, she’s accomplished, she’s fun, she’s generous…I could keep going for dayzzz.

We invite you to listen in on our wide-ranging discussion, and feel inspired to show yourself and others some L O V E.

Find Brianne on Instagram: @brisloanphotography || @thewomensnetworkinggroup
or on Facebook: @Brianne Sloan || @The Women’s Networking Group

x,

-w-

Honest Living and Loving

Images by Whitney Richardson Photography

In this relatable episode, I sit down with Gage Horne, a stellar videographer and all-around solid guy. (He also shot my brand video for The Nativist.)

We hit multiple topics, but the common threads are honesty and authenticity. We discuss how to have the hard conversations with your partner and yourself (this part might surprise you) and how to bridge communication gaps and eliminate walls with others. We also advocate the strength demonstrated by expressing your emotions, and the importance of reliability. 

Find Gage at:

https://www.gagehornestudios.com/

Instagram: @gagehornestudios

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCH8vLKFQk507EpJGP83YNRw

Facebook: Gage Horne Studios

Mental Notes: The crucial conversation about mental health

This is a particularly powerful episode, and one I’ve wanted to do for awhile. I sit down with Sydnie Hammon, who bravely shares her story on living with anxiety and depression, as well as the aftermath of her recent suicide attempt. In honor of Suicide Awareness Month, we tackle the stigma-saturated subject of mental health - a topic that is increasingly relevant and important.

This is an episode for everyone, as mental health affects every single one of us. Comprehensive health includes mental health. Even if you personally have not experienced mental illness as of now, you likely know someone who has/does/will. And this episode isn’t just about mental illness, it’s about mental health in general, and how to nurture it.

We discuss contributing factors, possible red flags, and helpful resources. We offer guidance on holding space for others and yourself, what/what not to say to those facing tough times, and how to love yourself and others through it all.

Please - I strongly urge you to listen. And Sydnie and I are always always here for you if you need.

Find Sydnie on Instagram at @sydniiieee

Resources:

• Suicide Prevention Hotline 24/7

  • Chat or call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

• National Institute of Mental Health

  • Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741)

• The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

• The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav

Love you all,

-w-

Baring M O R E Whitness

This is the second part to the two-part Baring Whitness podcast episode where I sit down with my amiga Veronica and answer whatever questions she throws my way.

The rawness continues. We hit a range of topics, including my biggest fear (it’s a little unconventional), my game changers, and how I achieved the mindset I have now.

Hope you enjoy.

xx,

-w-

Find Veronica on Instagram at @veronicasidahome

Baring Whitness

This two-part series is unlike any of the previous episodes. This time, I’M in the hot seat and answer questions from my gorgeous friend Veronica (even her name is hot). I get RAW and let you in to the inner world of Whitney Richardson. I share the reason for starting the Nativist, what intimidates me, what I struggle with…and SO.MUCH.MORE. I reveal things I’ve never shared before - not even with my closest amigos. I “bare” all and bear “Whitness.”

This is Veronica’s first time interviewing and I think you’ll agree…she’s a N A T U R A L. She suggested the interview, brought the heat with the questions, and knocked it out of the park. Peep her on Instagram at @veronicasidahome.

xx,

w

Model Behavior

In this episode, I interview model Janiah DeLancy, an old soul whose spirit matches her beauty.

In our conversation, we go below the surface and dive into the depths. Janiah shares how she broke into the biz, what it’s like working with other models, how she stays grounded in a profession focused on looks, and how she didn’t take “no” for an answer. If you’re craving inspiration on resilience, nerve, and motivation, this is for you. And if you’re wanting a kick in the pants to make your dreams happen, this is especially for you!

The Silhouette of Fear with Thunderstorm Artis

Thunderstorm Artis

He’s an old soul with new music. Everything about Thunderstorm Artis emanates depth and soul, from his name to his music. When I first heard him sing, I stopped what I was doing and lost myself in it for a good 1/2 hour. He’s that good. He took time amid his traveling and touring to share his cool story and talk life. We dig into everything from reframing your fears to connecting with others to facing your shadows to impacting the world to developing your voice (in more ways than one).

My guess is by the end you’ll feel both zen and motivated. What more could you want?

Find him on YouTube, Spotify, and Instagram (@thunderstormartis). You can also find some of his music under his brother, Ron Artis II on Spotify. Thunderstorm has an EP album, Haunted.

L O V E in the H E A R T and F I R E in the S O U L

Images by Brooke Richardson Photography

For this episode, I sit down with one of my favorite people in this universe: Julie Bixby. Having immigrated to the US from Romania, Julie has a dynamic story and spirit that pull you right in. As a mother, wife, boss babe, and free spirit, Julie continues to dominate whatever life tosses her way, all while looking fabulous and elevating others. This is a wide-ranging conversation on love, life, humanity, and authenticity. As you’ll find at the end, it inspired my phrase: Love in the heart and fire in the soul.

Balancing Your Money and Life with Jackson Wood

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Life is about balance.

I sit down with money guru Jackson Wood to discuss how to be financially responsible while still, you know…LIVING LIFE.

If you want to be smart with your money without compromising on the pleasures in life, this is your jam. Prepare to be monetarily motivated.

You can find Jackson Wood at:

• Website: https://liftoffplanning.com/

• Instagram: @jacksonwoodhq // @whatsupwoods

• Youtube: youtube.com/whatsupwoods

Getting Animated and Finishing the Thing with Jason Brubaker

Images by Whitney Ann Photography

In this episode, I sit down with Jason Brubaker, a remarkably talented digital artist, graphic novelist, self-published author, and YouTube personality. Jason is at the top of his game, having worked for DreamWorks Animation on such films as the Kung Fu Panda trilogy, Blade, Pitch Black, and Van Helsing, The Croods, Penguins, and Captain Underpants. After almost 20 years in Hollywood, Jason decided to leave and focus on his own graphic novels full time in 2015, for which his thousands of devoted fans are grateful. His first book reMIND won the Xeric grant and got on the Great Graphic Novels for Teens List in 2012.

During this inspiring conversation, Jason speaks to the vulnerability of creativity and originality, the importance of discipline and consistency, and the power of initiative and self belief. Jason shares how resiliency and focus have led him to a life doing what he loves.

Even if you’re not a wildly successful artist like Jason, trust me - this episode will still resonate with and inspire you.

You can find Jason at the following:

Instagram: @jason_brubaker

YouTube

Thanks for checking out my channel. To become a patreon and get free comics and demos, join here: http://patreon.com/jasonbrubaker

Website: http://CoffeeTableComics.com Online Store: http://ctc.storenvy.com Gumroad Store: https://gumroad.com/jasonbrubaker Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/JasonBrubaker Twitter @Jason_Brubaker Instagram: @Jason_Brubaker Read Sithrah: http://www.webtoons.com/en/fantasy/sithrah/list?title_no=524 Read reMIND: http://reMINDblog.com

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