“Authenticity does not mean baring all.”
My friend and I were talking the other day about authenticity. It’s one of my favorite topics to ponder, explore, and discuss, increasingly so in this era of social media, filters, and curated images and lifestyles.
To take it a step further, it’s also been even more on my mind during my acne-healing journey. I feel a lot of shame for not having perfectly clear, even-toned, smooth skin. Intellectually, do I know I’m more than what I look like? Absolutely. Intellectually, do I know my true worth is not based on appearance? Yes. BUT. My worth in society, by its standards, very much depends on the image I convey - regardless of how I actually am and look. Society doesn’t care about inner beauty, kindness, grace, intention, depth, excuses, health, REALITY. Its standards are ruthless, rigid, exacting, fluctuating, fickle, impatient, demanding, superficial, and - most importantly - ELUSIVE. Full, true achievement is impossible - always dancing out of reach. Society and its advertisements will convince you with just the right fitness regimen, just the right face cream, just the right fashion aesthetic, you can “make it.” It’s brilliant marketing - but it’s bullshit. What’s in today will be out tomorrow. Whoever is lucky enough to have their natural look align with the current trend (body/face/hair shape, etc) is instantly deemed superior: in looks, in character, in ability, in LIFE. And for those who miss the mark, whether due to mere timing (better luck next on the next “fad”) or total divergence, hope is copiously commodified. What you can’t (or won’t) change/fix, is your fault, your flaw, your demerit. And that’s part of the allure. That’s how they hook you: holding up an example of how you should be/look, with the implicit (or even explicit) acknowledgment you don’t, with the assurance that all you need is this (insert product) to achieve your goal (aka worthiness). And for extra kicks, there’s not just one world judging panel. What’s ideal in one context/culture/era/etc is hideous in another. Contradictions galore - even within the same context; for women especially. Example: If you hide your body, you’re an unattractive prude; if you show your body, you’re a deviant slut. Double standards are part of the game. Mixed signals much? It’s. EXHAUSTING.
But that conditioning runs DEEP. Bone deep, it often feels. If you’re surrounded by something, for every day of your life, it’s bound to permeate. You’re bound to be affected. Your subconscious picks up what society is putting down, and your psyche doesn’t easily release that. We’re wired for social acceptance - it was (and even actually still virtually is) vital to our survival. If you were kicked out of the clan back in the day, your chances of feeding and protecting yourself plummeted. And even today - loneliness is a major mortality risk factor. We’re social creatures - we pretty much all crave belonging.
So yeah, having a pizza face in a world like this doesn’t always feel awesome. And I really hate the thought of needing/wanting face makeup to hide my “imperfections.” In a lot of ways, I have no shame in what I look like. I still wear clothes after they get holes in them. I still face the public after I’ve had a chemical peel or laser treatment. Stuff like that doesn’t bother me at all. Honestly, I think because it doesn’t feel attached to me, to my self worth. If I’m wearing ripped clothes, I can remove them - they’re not part of me. If I have a comically red face, obviously it’s because I just experienced something (even the onlooker doesn’t know what the hell that something is!). It’s not ME. But acne - that feels like it’s ME. Like I just am not good enough, the way I am, and then I need to cover up my so-called “flaws” to be acceptable, worthy, wanted. Yes, I know my friends and family will accept me no matter what I look like. And I don’t expect someone to cruelly comment on my complexion. But they don’t need to - I know what they’re saying. And I’m equating that to my failure to meet the standard: society’s standard I’ve accepted and internalized. Again, do I objectively know how messed up that is? Absolutely. But when that’s tethered to a message the world has relentlessly hammered into you, in multiple (sometimes unknown) ways, your whole life - it’s going to take root. It’s going to take time to de-internalize, to flush out. Is complete system override even possible? Who knows. It feels doubtful, especially right now. But the more we’re aware, and the more we intentionally, personally, and collectively call BS and defy it, step by step, we’ll make a dent, and then a bigger dent, and then a bigger dent.
So speaking of unrealistic societal beauty standards, and speaking of authenticity - I was really bumming. Lately, I’ve really pulled back from showing my face on social media. I try to avoid filters, and I though I hate covering my face in makeup, I don’t feel comfortable bare facing it. I just don’t. My “highest self” would love to say “screw it” and post a picture of myself makeup free - not only to rebel against toxic beauty culture, but also to live and show my truth, to offer hope and light to others, and to be fully authentic. But I’ve realized (much to my sister’s credit) that my mental health matters - and I must honor where I am RIGHT NOW. I don’t have to ignore where I was and where I want to be, but I do have to acknowledge and respect where I am. Right now. And right now, my mental health would really take a hit. I have such an all-or-nothing personality, and I’m learning the value of moderation, of step by step.
Truly though, I felt like such a fraud. Here I am promoting self love, self acceptance, unconditional worthiness independent of our exterior, and yet…I didn’t even feel comfortable posting a picture of myself sans foundation. Because I care about what I look like. And that’s okay. Like I said earlier, we have been and still are inundated with this “conditional worthiness” model every day of our lives. It won’t disappear overnight. It’ll take time, patience, intention, awareness, solidarity, grace, persistence, and compassion. We can simultaneously aspire to something - and promote that something - while living an authentic but complex, flawed existence. This doesn’t have to mean we’re inauthentic or disingenuous. Honesty is key, and so I’m offering my honesty to you.
Which brings us to another subtopic of this: privacy in the context of authenticity. I think for many of us, media - particularly social media - has warped our sense of what we should and shouldn’t share with the world, what we’re obligated to share with the world, and what we’re entitled to know about others (especially celebrities, but also the rest of us mere mortals).
“We’ve come to equate authenticity with transparency and full disclosure.”
I think for multiple reasons we’re susceptible to feeling - and being - pressured to reveal more and more of our inner world: for likes, for attention, for validation, for sales. Vulnerability has become commercialized, leveraged, strategized. In a way, I think this has desensitized us and removed us: from our selves, and from others. “Raw moments” have become content we now scroll past. We want more. Our thirst for it grows, prompting us to not only top our last “share,” but others’ shares. To stand out, to stop the scroll. To prove ourselves. If we don’t bare all, we’re often equated with being fake, posed, superficial. We’ve come to equate authenticity with transparency. We’re nurturing voyeurism and judgment. It’s bad enough with celebrities. I mean, come ON - just because someone is in a movie does not mean they’re obligated to share the details of their divorce, or eating disorder, or addiction struggle. Who are we to think we’re entitled to know that? Do you want YOUR most tender, private moments and issues put on blast? For the world to openly and ruthlessly (and ignorantly) dissect? Where’s the humanity? Your privacy is sacred. More and more I’m really drawn to privacy; to being more selective about what I share, and how I share it. Trustworthiness matters.
Just in case I gave you the wrong impression with my content on here…I’m not always gracious. I’m not always cool, calm, and collected. I’m not always grounded and present. I’m not always sweet and nice (those aren’t always positives anyway). I’m not always motivated. I’m not always sure of myself. I definitely don’t always have it together. I can be fiery and reactive. I can be spacey. I can be frustrated.
Sometimes I feel like a fake when I come on here extolling the virtues of love, empathy, acceptance, calmness, patience, and understanding - then don’t always live those IRL. Do I try? Do I believe in and mean what I say? Absolutely. Every single word. Do I have pure intentions? All the way. But knowing and applying are two different things, right? We know this. Think of all the things you know you should/shouldn’t do for your health/relationships/success - yet don’t/do. For multiple possible reasons (it’s not always just about willpower). Even docs and other experts are humans and experience this. The knowledge alone isn’t enough - it’s what we [consistently] do with that knowledge. In the past, if an expert ever (intentionally or otherwise) revealed fallibility in their own application of the knowledge, I’ll admit, I’d start to doubt/discount their expertise and message. Now, I realize that’s not fair and that doesn’t serve them or me. Just because you don’t always live the answer doesn’t mean you don’t have it. (Gabby Bernstein quote). We’re all human and we all have our own challenges and hang-ups.
Check-ins with yourself can be helpful. This can look like asking yourself the following: Does your life reflect the person you believe yourself to be and say you are? Without you declaring you’re open minded, inclusive, non-discriminatory, generous, principled, ethical, good, etc, how would people know? Could they just tell by observing you? Do your words align with your actions and lifestyle? Does your life speak for itself? Sure, we won’t be our “highest self” every second of every day. Expecting ourselves and others to be is unfair and unreasonable - and a losing game. We’ll have our moments. But overall - what message does the way you live your life convey?
Back to my conversation with my friend, in which we touched on basically all I’ve said up to now. We also talked about how authenticity manifests differently with different people. I mean, it makes sense, right? Your authenticity is rooted in your individuality. It seems obvious, but I think it can be easy to forget. For example, my friend and I were laughing about when during pre-school orientation the teacher expressed interest in hiring my sis for photography and my sis replied, “Let a ho know!” My friend and I were both there, both reacting with jaw drops. We both love my sister for letting her personality shine through. She is who she is and that doesn’t fluctuate depending on her audience/environment. That’s her authenticity. But my friend and I being more selective of when and where to say certain things can be just as authentic. It’s not that we’re masking our selves, our truths, our thoughts, or our personalities - it’s just that we’re adjusting to our environment/audience, and communicating accordingly. Sure, there is potential here for disingenuousness, but it’s not a given.
Furthermore, my friend and I prefer to get ready when we go out into public. Like my friend says, she shows up in the school drop-off line dressed and ready for the day, while other moms show up in sweats and last night’s makeup. This doesn’t mean one mom is more authentic than another or “real” than the other. The “real” in “keeping it real” manifests differently, depending on the individual.
And while we’re at it, I’ve really been thinking lately on how interesting it is where we all arbitrarily draw the line: with politics, with values, with aesthetics, etc. If you’re all about accepting yourself the way you are, does that mean you’re against teeth whitening? Shaving/waxing/lasering (especially legs/underarms on females)? Braces (for aesthetic reasons)? Makeup? Cutting/coloring your hair? Plastic surgery isn’t the only way to alter your body. If you get your lashes done yet denounce cosmetic filler, that’s drawing the line for yourself. And we all have our lines drawn differently. Who’s to say who’s right?
Like I said, authenticity has long been a value and focus of mine. We must first know who we are - and that can seem daunting and confusing. To live your truth, we must know your truth - but what even IS your truth? Sometimes it seems cloudy.
From my personal experience, our truth is always there - and ours to know - it’s not necessarily instantly known to us. And from even before we’re born (with generational trauma, experiences in utero, etc) those layers start multiplying, piling one on top of another, burying our truth further and further down.
To access your truth requires time, intention, experience, love, grace, awareness, STILLNESS. It can be a lifelong process and journey of uncovering your layers and accessing your authenticity. Your true self. Your truth, in its purest form.
I’ve found different phases in my life uncover new, different, deeper layers New experiences, new ages, new lessons unlock new levels; new nuggets of wisdom and truths about myself. It seems like no matter how well I think I know myself (and I’m a reflecter and deep thinker - I thought I knew myself pretty damn well) - there are still always new discoveries and strata to discover. Layers that only time, knowledge, experience, wisdom, and maturity can illuminate.
“There’s no normal. There’s you.”
So like I said, it can all take time, but our truth is always there - and ours to know - even if it’s not necessarily instantly known to us. To access it requires time, intention, experience, love, grace, awareness, STILLNESS.
This doesn’t mean knowing and channeling your authenticity requires a journey of a zillion steps, and in the meantime we’re just buzzing around like a bunch of posers with no idea who we are (though that right there is a pretty loaded surface statement that we could spend some time unpacking. Let’s just say I think we’re all on an authenticity, self-awareness spectrum - and tend to bounce around the spectrum depending on time/environment/subject/etc). There is a superspeed highway, shortcut version to expedite the process and access the authenticity reservoir that is the YOU inside you: get quiet (in any sense of the word - stillness can help, but isn’t required). Calm your mind and body as much as possible, and allow your inner knowing to come through. Pay attention to what resonates, and how it resonates, within you.
Those are your guides: who and what resonate with you.
Thank you for being here and caring. I love you.
