Think of something you should do for your ultimate good but don’t do - or haven’t done consistently. Maybe it’s exercising. Maybe it’s budgeting. Maybe it’s drinking more water, or getting more sleep. Maybe it’s something finite, like leaving a stagnant partnership or a toxic job.
So…why haven’t you? Why don’t you? You know you should. You know doing so would yield health, wellness, success, and fulfillment, get you closer to where you [presumably] want to be.
Okay, grilling over. I’m willing to bet you have at least one “reason” (clearly solid enough to keep you from doing the thing(s) because…they have kept you). I’m not the judge. I’m not here to accept or reject those reasons - I’m here to offer perspective.
Let’s start with working out. Perhaps you lack motivation, or energy. Maybe you’re overwhelmed with where to start. Maybe you have lingering injuries. Maybe you’ve resigned yourself to your current “fitness” level.
Maybe you are depressed and emotionally spend, just for a quick pick-me-up. Maybe your parents lived beyond their means and taught you credit card debt is simply a way of modern life. Maybe you feel you DESERVE the finer things in life, and are determined to have them, regardless the size of your bank account.
Okay, now what if you actually have been doing those things? Maybe you HAVE been disciplined. Maybe you HAVE been busting your butt in the gym. Maybe you have been spending responsibly and saving money. Maybe you have been hydrating and prioritizing sleep - yet your results don’t reflect your work.
Maybe you lack the muscle definition you feel your efforts your warrant, despite giving it your all in the gym six days a week (3 of those with a personal trainer) and fully adhering to your nutritionist’s guidance. You’re frustrated and exhausted - and disheartened as you compare yourself to your friend who drinks like a fish, survives on junk food, avoids the fitness world, and yet still maintains a four-pack of abs. You’re maxing out on people’s snide comments and “helpful” suggestions for fitness and diet regimens. If they only knew how hard you’ve been working! WHY is there such a disconnect between your efforts and your results?
Maybe you’ve been tracking spending, avoiding unnecessary expenses, working extra jobs, yet still not seeing your savings account grow. You’ve been cooking your meals, DIYing your projects, and managing your time, and STILL not financially secure. It seems every time you turn around, unexpected expenses arise: medical bills, car repairs, home expenses, etc. Perhaps times have been especially tough since being economically affected by the pandemic. Whatever the factor(s), no matter how much you labor and wisely you manage your money, you just can’t get ahead. You’re barely surviving, and even that’s in jeopardy.
What if you prioritized your sleep and jealously guarded it? You practiced impeccable sleep hygiene and sacrificed social events to ensure adequate shut eye - yet were still constantly dragging?
Life happens, right? Sure, some of it we can control, through habits and mindset. But what about what we can’t control? What if we have a medical condition impeding our ability to exercise or lose weight? We may look okay to outside observers, but in reality, we’re battling chronic fatigue, or asthma, or debilitating pain. We may have severe depression or anxiety, or PTSD, impacting our ability to function. We could have raging insomnia and no drug, device, or dogma has resolved it, so we live life in a sleep-deprived blur, doing what we can just to make it through each day. Others deem us lazy and unmotivated and responsible for our lack of “progress.”
Okay, you get the idea. I could rattle off countless more possibilities and conditions beyond our control.
Yes, we all have challenges and obstacles. Maybe you feel like you’ve lived a relatively charmed life. Maybe you feel you’ve had a moderate amount of trials. Maybe you feel like you really got screwed and that you’ve had a disproportionate number of (continuing) hardships. Sometimes that’s our reality - sometimes it’s simply our mindset.
Think of someone you personally know - or even just someone you’ve read/heard about - who seems to get punched again and again by life. Loss after loss, while those around them make it through life relatively unscathed.
Now think of groups of people who seem perpetually stuck: touched by crime, poverty, drugs, etc. Generation after generation, the majority of these groups’ individuals stay down. If only they’d try harder, right? If only they’d work harder and complain less. If only they’d take responsibility for their lives and quit mooching. If only they’d “lift themselves up by their bootstraps.” If only they’d stop making excuses for why they aren’t where they want to be.
Speaking of excuses for not being where one wants to be…does that sound familiar? Let’s circle back to the start of this post (thanks for staying with me this long!). Think of your own life. Are you where you want to be, in EVERY single way? If not - why not?
Could anyone look at your life and say you are succeeding in every possible way?
Of course not. Why of course not? Because for one, nobody is perfect. For two, people have varying definitions of success, and they’re often not aligned. One’s definition of success is largely dependent on their culture, their insecurities, their mindset, their history - and a number of other influential factors. My personal definition of success (and happiness) may differ from a hustling businessperson’s, or a worshipping zealot’s. For three, people can’t and don’t know every thing about your life: every silent struggle you’ve overcome, every private victory you’ve achieved, every obstacle you’ve faced. Therefore, they can’t accurately judge you and your “success.” Besides, who are they to judge your success?
And along that line of reasoning…who are WE to judge others’? Who are we to say what others could and should do/not do? Who are we to assess others’ progress?
Think of something that happened in your past - or even your family’s past - that still affects you now, personally/professionally/financially/emotionally. Maybe a cheating business partner, or disabled family member, or negligent caregiver. Ripple effects, right?
Maybe a teacher’s careless remark designating you as “dumb” was enough to kill your sense of self-efficacy and hopes of ever being intelligent, educated, or making something of yourself. Something so simple right? Yet…SO.POWERFUL.
Maybe it was something as major as growing up in an environment with filled with addiction, dysfunction, and destitution, and you took it upon yourself to raise and support not only yourself, but your younger siblings, changing the trajectory of your life.
Think of the last time you were ravenous, and were so consumed by hunger you couldn’t think of or do anything else. What if you experienced this daily, as many kids do? Think of the cumulative impact this would have on your schoolwork, on your relations, on your ambitions. On your health and development.
Think of the last time you were emotionally distraught, or significantly stressed - particularly due to a personal matter. Think of the reaching impact this can have.
Think of kids being kept up all night, night after night, with abusive parents, then having to attend school. Think of how this would affect their schoolwork, their psyche, their relationships - now and in the future. And before you condemn the parents - think of them being subjected to similar experiences in their youth, setting them up to repeat the cycle - life as they know it.
So you see how even past atrocities and problems and issues can still be felt and seen in the present. Generational trauma is a thing. Cycles are a thing.
Now think of just the regular “bangs and bruises” all humans normally accumulate in life, affecting how we view and live life and how easy/hard it seems to do so. Think of your own, especially bruises perhaps of which only you are aware; bruises that may seem minor, yet still keep you from doing what you need/want to do.
Could people technically overcome? Sure. There are others who have defied the odds, triumphed over tribulations, transcended the difficult - who have proven it possible. And yes, those overcomers should be applauded and celebrated. But is it fair to expect - demand - the same outcome for all? To blame those who fall short of that? To disregard the contributing, relevant factors for one’s current position?
We don’t all start at the same starting line. There’s one human race - but there’s not one race for humans. We’re not all participating in the same “race” (and let’s bag the concept of us racing each other anyway, yeah? It’s ludicrous, misleading, depressing, and hindering) - so why would we hold everyone to the same mile markers? Why would we not account for people’s starting points?
One of the main takeaways here is there is an infinite number of factors determining why we are the way we are. No matter how similar two people are, they are never quite the same. Thus, it’s unreasonable, unfair, and illogical to think we can truly and accurately judge another, let alone entire demographics of people.
Generalizing is often dangerous, and unwise - for multiple reasons. Let’s see the humans in our humanity. Let’s see the individual, and the unique stories we each have. Let’s respect our individual blend of ingredients we each have.
Does this mean I don’t believe in self-realization and independence? Definitely not. I absolutely believe in the power of hard work, responsibility, resilience, discipline, tenacity, mindset, and playing the hand we were dealt. But I also believe in grace. In being slow to criticize and fast to empathize. As with anything else in life, I believe it’s about balance. And love. Always love.
love you.
-w-