Copy of d a r k . 2. L I G H T
Concept and images by me
Model: Byron Hunt
“I don’t live in darkness. Darkness lives in me.”
We’ve all faced darkness. Sure, some more than others but we’ve all been there, experiencing it ourselves/encountering it in others.
We’ve also all experienced challenges and struggles; again, to varying degrees.
It doesn’t matter who you are or how much you have in your bank account. It doesn’t matter if your social life is poppin’ or if your abs pop. Darkness is equal opportunity. It affects people of all classes, of all races, of all backgrounds.
Some people have enough inner light to repel it. Yeah, they might feel down and out for a bit, but ultimately, the light triumphs. Glow baby glow.
For some people, the darkness permeates, and sometimes it’s harder to shake.
It doesn’t matter what your experiences are - being a human can be tough stuff! Just as we’re advised not to compare our highlight reels - we also should avoid comparing our “lowlight reels” so to speak. Our behind the scenes. Our challenges and obstacles. Our sucker punches life throws us.
We’re all on different journeys, with different psyches and pasts and mindsets and cumulative experiences. Maybe you’re a single parent eking out a life for yourself and your young. Maybe you’re a cancer patient fighting to keep a smile on your face and a resolve in your heart. Maybe you’re a teenager navigating your way in a world of bullies and heartbreaks. Or maybe you have a fantastic life by all general standards yet still feel empty.
“How beautiful is the relationship between the moon and the dark night sky. So contrasting, yet so incomplete without each other.”
It’s all hard!! Try not to compare your “hard” and try not to feel guilty for feeling knocked down by life sometimes.
Just accept! Accept your emotions. The more you deny yourself feeling them, the stronger they become. As they say, what you resist, persists.
Life offers ebbs and flows. Peaks and valleys. No two experiences are the same - even within your own life! It depends on your current mental/emotional state.
Think about it - sometimes an issue that would normally knock you on your face barely fazes you, while other times, merely dropping a pen can elicit instant rage and a “F M L!!!!!!!!!!”
And the comparison can flow the other way too! Try not to diminish/discredit others’ experiences. Just because someone hasn’t confronted the same quantity/quality of challenges as you doesn’t mean their life is easier. Like I said, it depends on their current mental/emotional state, which depends on multiple factors: their upbringing, their relationships, their health, etc. Shoot, even their current spot on the hanger scale! We truly have NO idea what people are working with and feeling. So let’s all hug - or at least high five - one another - and show kindness and empathy.
It fascinates me how we all have inner worlds to which no one else is privy. Every time I pass someone on the street, I want to know their story: challenges they’ve overcome, accomplishments they’ve achieved, etc. WE ALL HAVE STORIES.
I myself have experienced my own share of darkness. I’m definitely an empath, so when i feel, I friggin’ F E E L. And I take on other people’s energies/emotions. This sensitivity is both a benefit and a drawback. I appreciate it because it allows me to relate to and care for people on a whole other level (you fellow empaths can relate!), but it also gets me down and stresses me out. I feel the injustices of the world so acutely, particularly as they apply to others. Almost always, when I’m bumming/stressing, it’s on another’s behalf.
I’m still working on setting the boundaries for worrying about others, but as far as my personal darkness - my tried and true method for banishing the blues and maintaining a lasting zest for life - no matter my current situation - is facing it. Not denying it, or fleeing it, or resisting it. Leaning into it. Analyzing it. Letting others in. I’m a big advocate for therapy (and if you’ve tried therapy but didn’t connect with your therapist - keep looking! Vibing with your therapist is key).
And finally, be G R A T E F U L. Gratitude is deceptively powerful. So simple, so cliche…yet SO TRANSFORMATIVE. It truly makes all the difference. It may take significant effort initially to adopt an appreciative mindset. It’s a muscle you must strengthen, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
My trick is whenever I encounter a sucky situation or draining emotion, I think of three things for which I’m thankful. It’s straight MAGIC. It kicks those good vibes into gear and lights you right up.
No, really. Try it.
I also think of three ways the situation could be worse - and THAT also is profoundly effective. Suddenly, you’re feeling pretty dang good about your current status.
“To deny your broken bits is doing yourself a great deal of injustice. It is the broken parts of you that grew you the most.”
You’ve heard it before but that’s because it’s da TRUTH: Every challenge/obstacle/hardship you face is a b l e s s i n g. It’s an opportunity to grow and evolve. To get smarter, stronger, and better. To relate to others and inform your future experiences.
Acknowledge, accept, and honor your challenges. Be grateful for them, for they’re specifically what you need to evolve. Customized launch pads to strength, success, and wisdom.
xx,
-w-
*This post is not meant to discredit the use of psychotropics. Take control of your own health and please also consider consulting a psychiatrist/other mental health professional if necessary!
Y tu?!
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
I have the kind of friends who make you feel like you’re the coolest person on earth. They make you feel like there’s nothing they’d rather be doing than hearing about your newest venture, or your date last night, or your upcoming getaway. They actively listen and ask follow-up questions. They present the appropriate corresponding facial expressions (eye rolls, knowing looks, cheesy grins) and happy dance as necessary.
They friggin’ rule.
They also inspire me to be better.
I hope you have friends like this too, because as I’m sure you’ve realized by now, not everyone is like this. If you don’t believe me, tag along on 90% of my dates!
For a number of reasons (social anxiety, lack of self awareness, self absorption, insecurity, all of the above, etc) people keep the spotlight on them. They’ll tell you allllll about themselves and once you’ve finally politely excused yourself, you realize that after 20 minutes of “conversing” they didn’t ask you a single question about you…but you know all about their new car and their daughter’s bout with the flu and their upcoming vacation and and and…
In moments like this, it’s easy to get annoyed, but important to remember some people just don’t know better! And/or they’re socially unsure of themselves and find it easier to rely on what they do know: themselves/their lives. It’s their comfort zone. It doesn’t even dawn on them to ask about you.
“Don’t try to impress others. Be humble. Take an interest in others.”
Another reason for monologues is they feel compelled to “peacock” and show/tell you how great they are. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dated some awesome, considerate guys, but man - I’ve also dated beyond my share of peacocks. I’ll get to the end of the date and know they couldn’t tell you three facts about me because we focused solely on them the.entire.time. They didn’t bother to reciprocate any of the questions I initiated. Or if they did…they’d interrupt me to hijack the spotlight and turn it back to them. Not very enjoyable, as I’m sure you can imagine. When I’m particularly maxed out on their showboating, I’ll just clam up and stop supplying questions/conversation starters. I’ll watch them fidget awkwardly in the silence, marveling how they don’t realize that to end the silence, all they have to do is ASK ME A QUESTION. These guys.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in others than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Feeling and expressing a genuine interest in others is an INVALUABLE friendship trait. Hell, not only a friendship trait - a human trait! Making people feel worthy of interest and attention is the surest way to not only win people over but - more importantly - to connect with them. Making an effort to listen to and connect with others fosters empathy, understanding, mutual interest, etc. All the good things!
“Tips to be more charming:
1. Smile more
2. Remember names
3. Be authentic
4. Be curious
5. Offer value”
But genuine is the key word here. Authenticity is crucial. People can immediately sense when you’re merely going through the motions and just posing. Ain’t nobody likes a poser. And it’s not enough to just ask questions - you must also listen! How obnoxious is it when someone asks you a question then immediately checks out by scanning the room/scrolling on their phone/interrupting your story/etc.
Here are some tips for enhancing your social interactions by cultivating and expressing genuine interest in others. In other words, here’s guidance on how to be the kind of person others want to be around!
Offer customized compliments
Sure, it’s nice to hear “You look good” but how much better do you feel when someone notices and compliments you on something special and specific to you?
Examples: “That color looks amazing on you!” or “Your home has the most inviting energy!”
Ask specific, attentive questions
Show you’re truly interested in learning more about the person/the topic they’re discussing. Listen to what they say and ask follow-up questions.
If you’re not sure what to ask, maybe request clarification or note how interesting what they said is and ask, “What do you mean by ___?”
It’s important to come from a place of curiosity, rather than judgment.
If you happen to know more on the subject - keep it to yourself! It’s not a “who knows more” contest so just chillaxxxx and let them share what they know. And who knows - you might even learn something from them! At the very least, you’ll hear a fresh perspective.
Try to maintain that balance of showing interest without getting all up in their business. Ensure you’re on solid footing before asking probing questions.
Reciprocate their questions
Piggybacking off the previous point, is a great hack for when you’re feeling socially unsteady and not up to carrying the convo is simply to ask them what they asked you!
It’s important to mention some people don’t like talking about themselves: they’re shy, they’re insecure, etc. So honor where they are and try to find a common interest, or focus on safe, general topics like current events/mutual contacts (sans the gossip because gossiping is ew).
The more you really listen and get to know people, the more you realize how FASCINATING people really are! I can’t tell you how many times people have surprised me with their experiences/back stories/insights/etc. Everyone has a story and everyone has something to teach us.
xx,
-w-
“When you are alive with joy, gratitude, and genuine interest in others, you are your most beautiful. Remember that. Now go stun the world.”
L I T T L E white T E E
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“I like the sort of nothingness of the jeans and the t-shirt.”
There’s just something about a basic white tee that is so classic. So fresh and so versatile. So timeless.
It can be easily dressed up or down.
“Make it simple but significant.”
Throw on some sandals or flats or sneaks, and you have a clean, chic look. Slip into stilettos or platforms, and you have a look worthy of a night out. From statement shoes to statement accessories, you can really pump up the look or keep it low key.
The basic white tee is like a blank canvas open to whatever vibe you’re feeling.
“With good basics you’ll have endless options.”
As you can see here, I played around with belts, shoes, and a hat. Simple changes can yield powerful results.
xx,
-w-
L E T it G O
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
Newsflash, y'all: We're human! This means we lose our cool. We get impatient, sad, and unreasonable. We snap at people and occasionally act a fool. We sometimes feel anxious, fearful, and unsure.
We've all been there! We all get it. It's not something for which we should hide or criticize ourselves. It's all part of the human experience, amigos.
The key lies in how quickly and effectively we can get back to good. How speedily we can release those negative vibes and return to those good vibes.
“Exercise the letting go muscle: the healing is in the return, not in never having wandered to begin with.”
Salzberg is a New York Times best-selling author and teacher of Buddhist meditation practices in the West. Cool lady, I'll tell you that. As she indicates, our "wandering" from peace and happiness is not the focus; rather, it's the return that matters. We're all going to wander - some of us less often, some of us more often, than others. Forget about the frequency. Focus on strengthening the "return" muscle. The more we train and use it, the stronger it gets. The faster and more often you can let go and release those negative emotions, the better you'll get at it.
“The art of concentration is a continual letting go.”
Letting go can be tough stuff. It could be letting go of a toxic thought, a resentful feeling, self shame or guilt, frustration, worry, rage, whatever. Sometimes it's not just a snap of the fingers to bring instant relief. It's important to feel those negative emotions (so they don't become repressed and fester), and then let that shiz go. The secret is self compassion. Maybe you made a mistake (yelled at your kids, or wrongly accused your friend) and feel awful about it. It's okay! Genuinely apologize if necessary (if the situation calls for it), make amends if you need to, and move the heck on. Come back into balance with kindness toward yourself. This makes the process faster and restorative.
“Meditation trains the mind the way physical exercise trains the body.”
Same concept if you're meditating. If you've ever dabbled in it, you know how challenging it can be! It's not about sitting there in perfect, no-thought bliss. Your head will likely be swimming with thoughts, like, "I'm hungry." "I'm tired." "Oh, shoot, I have to buy a birthday present for my friend. I hope I remember to do that!" "How long has it been?" And on and on and ON. But as Superstar Salzberg advises, "The healing is in the return." That right there is why you're meditating: to get better at returning to peace. And if your thoughts keep coming, great! More opportunities to strengthen that "return" muscle and get crazy buff.
“This universe is much too big to hold onto, but it is the perfect size for letting go.”
And if anxiety is your thing? Letting go is the antidote! This takes time to master, but once you get the hang of it - it's a beautiful thing. Utterly miraculous. When you're fearful/anxious, you're trusting in your own strength. When you're at ease, you're trusting in the strength of the higher power (God/Universe/Allah/whomever). My favorite mantra recently is: "I relax. I let go. My life is in perfect flow." I repeat this to myself over and over when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Let me tell you, it really comes in clutch every night when I lie down to sleep and have a zillion thoughts sprinting through my head. It grounds and calms my thoughts, serving as a focal point to instantly relax me. Try it!
xx,
-w-
THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“Nobody is superior, nobody is inferior, but nobody is equal either. People are simply unique, incomparable. You are you, I am I.”
This world has some incredible people in it. People with impressive achievements and accolades. People with seemingly endless talent, drive, energy, resources, skill, courage.
When you encounter people like this, sometimes you can't help but reflect on your own achievements. You start comparing yourself, which we all know can be the kiss of death to contentment and gratitude. That comparison shiz ain't good.
Here's an angle for your consideration. Something to ponder when you're feeling down, unaccomplished...you know, like a lahuuu-suh-herrrr (translation: loser). It's not about what you've achieved/accomplished/acquired. IT'S ABOUT THE EFFECT YOU HAVE ON OTHERS.
Think about the greatest, most valuable and meaningful people in your life. The MVPs in your life. I'm willing to bet the criteria you used to determine their value in your life had nada to do with their yearly income, or Instagram followers, or degrees, or bad ass trips to China (hopefully...).
“No matter how educated, talented, rich, or cool you believe you are, how you treat people ultimately tells all. Integrity is everything.”
The most impactful people are the ones who lift you up/inspire you/support you. Or just friggin' MAKE YOU LAUGH. Let's say you're out with some friends and meet two people. One is a zillionaire, owns real estate all over the world, travels internationally on the monthly, has a Harvard degree, wrote five New York Times bestsellers, and runs a thriving non-profit to halt human trafficking. This person is nice enough, but more interested in telling you allll about how cool they are, with no interest in hearing about you. Cool story, bro. The other individual works in IT, has never traveled outside the US, yet is engaging, funny, kind, and genuinely interested in what you have to say. Which one are you going to want to keep talking to? The latter one, right?
Same with other people in your life. The people you want to hang around with and invite to a party are those who make you feel good, not inferior/bored/bummed/betrayed/etc. It matters far more how you treat people, than how accomplished/cool/successful you are. Besides - success is subjective! My definition of success may be different than yours.
“Charisma is the transference of enthusiasm.”
And charisma isn't about always having the right thing to say at the right time, or being the life of the party. It's about being genuine and kind. It matters less what you say than how well you listen. I'm more appreciative of the people who are there when I need them, with a helping hand or listening ear, than I am of those who are always ready with a witty comment.
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
So stay on those good vibes and know you are a bad ass.
xx,
-w-
CHOOSE HAPPY
Happiness is an inside job. Curveballs in life are inevitable, but all that matters is how fast you can get back to good.
It A L L begins and ends in your mind. Your thoughts, your motivations, your concerns. Your goals and stressors. Your world. Your e n t i r e reality. Your mind serves as that brief disconnect from what happened - and what you perceived happened. From what your friend said to what you perceived your friend said. To what you're seeing, to what you perceive you're seeing. Essentially, you filter your world through your mind. If your mind, or filter, is cloudy and troubled, your perceived "reality" will be cloudy and troubled. Things will seem complicated/hard/gloomy. If your mind is happy and bright, so will your reality be. If your mind is calm and clear, your reality will be so as well.
Your reality reflects the state of your mind. Do you see just how powerful your mind truly is?
But you know this, right? Next question: Do you R E A L L Y know this? Know it enough to prioritize your mind health? To do right by you and practice self-care, through meditation/yoga/personal development books/exercise/delicious bubble baths? I mean, think about it for a minute. No really. We have the power to make our lives pretty dang fantastic. It's as if a cute little fairy tapped you on the head with a sparkly wand, granting you the gift of perfect hair days every day for the rest of your life, and you replied, "Eh, I like bad hair days. They build character." In the words of my favorite meme, "Y tho?" Whyyyy would you do that? Why would you waste your power? I don't know about you, but i want to be happy.
If you're thinking, "Well, yeah, it seems like a great theory at all, but it's incredibly tough to stay zen when life throws you curveballs, like a job loss/divorce/sickness/etc. Or you just feel down and out for no reason. Or your significant other is working your last nerve. Here are some important aspects to remember:
1. Negative emotions are inevitable. Accept this, acknowledge and honor them as they arise, and do your best to let those bad boys go. You have the power to override negative motions by choosing what you want to feel. As Brendon Burchard points out in his new (and excellent!) book, High Performance Habits, emotions are instinctive and happen mostly without our conscious will; we just suddenly feel the emotion because our brain interpreted something happening and attached a meaning and emotion to it, mostly based on past experience.
But we don't have to be slaves to our emotions - we can work around them! Let's say you have to deliver a speech and you feel fearful and anxious. Re-frame them in a positive light: Those emotions are simply reminding you to be alert, speak up, and focus on how you can serve your audience and effectively deliver your message.
2. It's not about not feeling/having negative emotions. It's about how quickly you can get back to good. In a later post, we will discuss some tips.
3. It's a muscle you have to strengthen. It may seem daunting at first, but the more you do it, the easier and more rewarding it is. A little self- discipline up front will carry you a long way. it's a worthy initial investment that will pay off exponentially.
So let's choose happiness. Say yes to happiness.
xx,
-w-
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts”
photos by brooke richardson photography