B O U N D A R I E S
Images by Whitney Richardson Photography
Models Chelsie Conger (@xochelsieco) and Todd Conger (@toddvanclair)
“Compassion does not exist without boundaries.”
When I first heard this statement from the incredible Brene Brown, I remember feeling surprised and incredulous. Say what? What did boundaries have to do with compassion? It seemed like the most compassionate and empathetic people were “boundless” with their compassion and empathy.
Upon hearing Brene out, I was in full agreement with her assertion. Sing it, sister.
Brene notes she was also shocked to discover her research revealed the most compassionate people were the most boundaried. She defines boundaries as parameters for what is and is not okay.
According to Brene, establishing solid, defined, firm boundaries allows us to be compassionate and empathetic but not resentful. This is key! Having those boundaries prevents us from feeling drained, taken advantage of, and unappreciated.
Think about it! Tell me if the following scenario sounds similar to something you’ve experienced:
Someone asks you for a favor. Maybe it’s baby-sitting their kids, or lending your tool. You agree, only to have them stay out two hours past their expected return time, or totally trash your tool.
NOT OKAY.
If you’re not straightforward about your boundaries, including acknowledging when someone crosses them, this will affect your capacity for compassion in the moment. Whether you realize it or not, it affects you. Even by justifying their actions (“Oh, they’re just stressed - they needed some extra time” or “That’s okay, things are just things”) you repress your true emotions that naturally arise from having boundaries crossed. And repressed emotions don’t just magically melt away. No, that shiz stays with you and manifests itself eventually, and never in a good way. If you repeatedly repress emotions, they just fester and snowball. Notttt a good situation. You’ll likely experience physical AND mental AND emotional symptoms as a result.
So do both yourself and others a favor by speaking your truth. Define your boundaries. Let others know what is and is not okay. There’s no need to be abrasive and aggressive about it; you can be gentle yet firm.
Brene also offers the question: What if rather than trying to anger you/hurt you/use you/etc, people are doing the best they can? She shares her husband’s beautiful response powerful response to the question:
“I’ll never know whether people are doing the best they can or not, but when I assume people are, it makes my life better.”
Brene avers now she is not as sweet as she used to be, but she is far more loving. She states her question is B I G: What boundaries need to be in place for me to stay in my integrity to make the most generous assumptions about you?
Brene declares generosity can’t exist without boundaries, but acknowledges boundaries are not easy. We want people to like us/we don’t to disappoint people/etc. Brene asserts boundaries are the key not only to self love, but to treating others with loving kindness.
“Nothing is sustainable without boundaries.”
If you’ve done your work and set your boundaries, your empathy is infinite.
xx,
-w-
“Compassion minus boundaries is not genuine.”
I ACCEPT YOU
Images by Whitney Richardson Photography
Model: Jennifer Servais
“Watch carefully, the magic that occurs when you give a person just enough comfort to be themselves.”
Let's start this post with an informal poll: Have you ever been irritated by someone? How about intimidated by someone? Angered by someone?
Call me presumptuous, but I'm going to go ahead and say we've all been there. Just hazarding a guess here.
“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.”
Feeling those feelings is part of the human experience. It's natural. It's what we do with them that matters. And I don't know about you, but I'd like to keep riding my high vibes. Don't get me wrong, those "negative" emotions - while not fun to feel - really are absolutely necessary. Here's why:
- They balance us out
- They enhance the "positive" feelings, making them that much sweeter
- They reveal areas of potential growth and self-evolution
“Love people for who they are and not for who you want them to be. That’s where the disconnection starts.”
However, we never want those feelings to control us. So how do we handle those feelings and still feel good, without crossing over into the land of denial, delusion, and insincerity? How do we reclaim our power from those power-leaching feelings when they arise? It can be really friggin' aggravating when an acquaintance keeps the conversation focused on them, or the guy in line behind you keeps hawking a loogie, or a family member keeps leaving a mess for you to clean up, or someone does something SO NOT COOL. Right?! And this isn't limited to feelings of ire: It can be unnerving to be intimated by someone. That's not fun to feel, either.
“Remember, people are the least lovable when they need love the most.”
So here's what you do: think "I accept you." Really mentally and emotionally commit to that sentiment. Accept that person, despite their annoying habits, or selfish ways. Connect to their humanity. Embrace them in all their flawed glory, just as you'd hope others would do for you. We all screw up. It's not a question of if, it's a question of how. We're still all diamonds, baby.
“People do not need to be fixed, they need to be loved.”
This doesn't mean you should become a pushover and toss all boundaries. If someone does something truly unacceptable, or at least something you feeling strongly enough about to address, then communicate this to the person tactfully. Do it early and do it kindly. However, ideally you'd do it from a place of acceptance and love, not fire and vexation. At the very least, it allows you peace of mind and freedom from those gnarly emotions.
“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.”
“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”
This tactic also works brilliantly in times when you're feeling insecure in someone's presence. Simply thinking, "I accept you" shifts the focus from your insecurity to your capacity. From passivity to activity. It allows you to reclaim your power by stripping the other person of their control over you [whether intentional on their end or not]. Moreover, it does so in a way that is loving and good-vibe inducing [told you, all 'bout dem good vibes]. "I accept you." So the next time you find yourself in the same room as Gigi Hadid [seriously, am I the only one this keeps happening to?], you can tell her how to stop being intimidated by you. Poor girl. But seriously, it's a useful tool for when you're interviewing for a job, or meeting new people, or delivering a speech. Try it!
xx,
-w-
“Be the type of person who makes everyone they encounter feel perfectly okay with being exactly who they are.”
