I A M pretty
“Beauty starts in your head, not your mirror.”
Do you remember when you were five and you didn't give a flying f*** what you looked like in a swimmy? You were just jazzed to be soaking up those rays. You didn't care about appearing a certain way or emitting a certain vibe. You were just YOU.
So what the hell happened?
Somehow from childhood to adulthood, we start caring. We start caring a LOT.
If you're lucky, you learn to stop the madness (or at least mitigate it). You learn to reclaim your power. Your self-love. Your confidence. You learn to shift the focus from the superficial to the real. The fleeting (looks) to the forever (soul). As cheesy as it sounds, you concentrate on the interior rather than the exterior. You're more concerned with how you FEEL, and the energy emitted by you/others. That's what really counts, right?!!
How many rad, fun opportunities have you tainted for yourself by stressing over what you look like? Or worse - how many cool opportunities have you bypassed altogether, because of feeling too fat/ugly/whatever other self-loathing adjective you can think of. I know I have. And it's total bullshit. E N O U G H.
“And I said to my body, softly, “I want to be your friend.” It took a long breath and replied, “I have been waiting my whole life for this.””
I'll be honest, it took me what felt like an eternity to get to the point of full self acceptance. It was a long, gnarly road. I used to hold impossibly high standards for myself, and constantly fought my body at every turn. That shiz is exhausting. I'm sure many of you can relate (which makes me sad!). The shocking reward of finally accepting myself??? I actually look and feel better than ever before! It's like my body breathed a giant sigh of relief and said, "Okay cool - finally, let's play on the same team." It's been awhile now that I feel good in my skin, so I KNOW lasting results are possible!
“I found I was more confident when I stopped being someone else’s definition of beautiful and started being my own.”
So what shifted it for me?
- Exhaustion
- Honestly, it drained me and I maxed out. I just got tired of constantly mentally beating the daylights out of myself. SO.NOT.WORTH.IT.
- Mindfulness and positive self talk
- First I became aware of my negative thoughts, and then punched them in the face. In other words, I halted them right there, and replaced them with compliments. A lot of it was a "fake it 'til you make it" tactic. If I hated my arms, I would tell myself how much I loved them, and emphasized how strong they are. Ironically, now my arms are one of my FAVE body parts!
- Gratitude
- Thanking my body for taking care of me and keeping me alive. Expressing love for it through thought, word, and action. Knowing that contrary to my prior belief, my body really was trying to look out for me and be a team player. Removing that pressure for it to fit a certain beauty ideal really did make all the difference.
- Focusing on how I felt rather than how I looked
- Do I feel energetic? Happy? Motivated? If yeses across the board, then I'm solid. If not, I'll focus on the area needing my attention.
- Self care
- Wanting to take care of my body to keep it happy and healthy and thriving, not frustrated and starving and self-destructing.
“Confidence will make you happier than any diet ever will.”
- Intuitive eating and moving
- By slowly re-learning to tune into my body, I can sense what it wants and deliver. Our bodies are truly miraculous and intelligent. The cleaner your palate (less clogged with packaged frankenfood), the more you can understand what your body is telling you. My body constantly amazes me with its cravings. Time and again, I'll suddenly crave something and then be able to attribute it to a certain reason. For example, I'll crave citrus and then feel the beginnings of a cold that my body was able to fight off. The last time I had blood work done and discovered the minerals/vitamins in which I was deficient, it suddenly made PERFECT sense why I crave my salad every single day: all of the ingredients in there are booming with the vitamins/minerals in which I'm deficient. My body continues to crave those nutrients because it is still healing from malabsorption issues due to prolonged antibiotic use (another story for another day!).
- When my body screams for rest, I acquiesce and pump the brakes. This one can be a little tricky to master, knowing when you need to move to feel better and when you really do need to recover. You definitely need one or two rest days a week. Ironically, though I love high-intensity workouts, my body does not. A moderate workout regimen actually helps me look, feel, and perform better. So experiment a little and heed what your body tells you. Remove your ego and let your body be the boss.
“Self love is accepting that the body you were given is enough and taking care of your body isn’t the same thing as obsessively manipulating it.”
And the biggest secret of all that eluded me all those years?? CONFIDENCE. How you carry yourself matters FAR MORE than what you actually look like. It's mind blowing how true that is. Think about it. Think about someone you've seen at the beach/pool. They might not (gasp!) have a thigh gap, they might have cellulite, they might be rocking a "plus size" but they are FEELING THEMSELVES. And that instantly makes you feel them too (but, you know...not literally. Unless you're high fiving them for looking so fly).
If someone carries themselves proudly and confidently, that automatically ups their attractiveness. It's like friggin' magic. Try it! And if you're not feeling yourself just yet, fake it 'til you make it, baby. No really. Pretend. Trust me on this.
“In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.”
Sometimes I'll put on a piece of clothing on and think, "Not your best look." Maybe I think it makes me look bigger, or shows off some celly. So I'll make myself wear it anyway. I'm so done with letting my body image hold me back. For example, I wore some leggings to teach Pound the other night that made my thighs look less toned (hello, literal spotlight, while teaching in front of a class!). Plus, as I'm sure many of you can relate: one minute you can feel like a busted can of biscuits, and the next like a svelte supermodel. Like...sometimes even within the same hour. It's b a n a n a s how that works.
Awhile ago, I saw the movie I Feel Pretty with Amy Schumer. I went into it expecting cheesiness and forced humor. I was happily so wrong. It was fun, it was funny, it was touching. Highly recommend.
There is more to say on this topic, but rather than going on for dayzzz about it, I'll split it up into two posts. Thanks for staying with me this far! In the next one, I'll highlight a FANTASTIC article my friend shared with me. You should consider checking out the post if you: 1. have social media. 2. are a parent. 3. are human. We'll discuss how beauty ideals have changed in this brave new world we're living in, which includes social media. Gone are the awkward teenagers, replaced by adolescents who know their angles, know their makeup, and know their sex appeal. I really think you'll be glad you read it.
xx,
-w-
I N T O the S H A D O W S
Images by Whitney Richardson Photography
Modeled by Nicole Spinnler
Assisted by Cari Spinnler
“How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole.”
Where there is lightness, there is darkness. Yin and yang. The blazing sun casts a deep shadow. Put simply, it is N A T U R A L. Therefore, it is natural for even the lightest souls to also contain shades of darkness. It is within every single one of us. We all have a shadow.
When it becomes problematic is when we deny this shadow. We pretend it's not there, or even actively reject it. Why is this problematic? The shadow doesn't easily take a hint, then take a hike. No, it lingers. It lingers and it gets its due by seeping into our thoughts, our actions, and our words, whether we're aware of it or not. Ultimately, it blocks true happiness, authenticity, and evolution.
So what is the shadow? The shadow is a concept discovered by the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung. The shadow is the “dark side” of our personality because it consists mainly of primitive, negative human emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, desire, and the desire for power.
“Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we will keep trying to slay them in the outer world. For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there we must do our work.”
The personal shadow is the disowned self. This shadow self represents the parts of us we no longer claim to be our own, including inherent positive qualities.
As I mentioned, these unexamined or disowned parts of our personality don’t go anywhere. As if. Although we deny them in our attempt to cast them out, we don’t eliminate them. They're stillll there.
We repress them; they are part of our unconscious. Put simply, the unconscious is everything of which we are not conscious.
These emotions are part of our shared humanity. We're all in this together. But as we grow up, something happens.
Traits associated with “being good” are accepted, while others associated with “being bad” are rejected. We all have basic human needs. These needs include physiological needs, safety and security needs, and needs for belonging. These needs are biological and instinctual.
As humans, we are motivated by our needs. So when we perceive an aspect of ourselves as threatening one of our needs (typically the needs for safety, love, and belonging) we shove those aspects into the shadows. We pick up cues from our environment, so if we experience/witness a trait being condemned by others (especially our caretakers), we repress and deny, baby. Repress and deny.
I mean, think about it. If you go deep and consider this from an evolutionary standpoint, our very safety and existence depends on our caretakers' (parents - biological or otherwise) acceptance and approval. We ain't tryna repel them, leaving us to fend for ourselves. We need them to feed and protect us. And even socially speaking - generally, to be "successful" (personally and professionally) and happy and fulfilled in life, we need social connection. So we will do our damndest to hide any trait we've perceived as socially unacceptable. We want to be liked and accepted by our friends/colleagues/bosses.
Let’s say you realize your need to take better care of yourself (especially you moms and dads!). You create a self-care routine and are feeling psyched about it.
A few days in, though, you start receiving blowback from the people in your life. Maybe your kids are banging on the door while you're working out/meditating, or your boss guilt trips you when you ask to leave work early (or on time!).
Your doubts and fears creep in about this whole self-care thing. You worry you are being regarded as "selfish" and decide to bail on the self care. Before you know it, you’ve taken yourself off your priority list and might even secretly take pride in your selflessness. That’s what “good” people do, after all. Right?
In your quest to be good (likable, lovable, worthy, enough), your ability to focus on yourself has been pushed into the shadows.
In the above example, the shadow is the desire (or need) for self-care. But, somewhere along the way, you were convinced that focusing on your own needs was wrong or bad (aka selfish) so you rejected those desires by denying their existence. You designed your life so it would always appear you were doing “right” by others.
Our egos use this mechanism to defend itself—to defend how it perceives itself. Our false identities of being “good” keep us from connecting to our shadow, which then keeps us from freedom and true acceptance (internal and external).
All we deny in ourselves—whatever we perceive as inferior, evil, or unacceptable—become part of the shadow. Anything incompatible with our chosen conscious attitude about ourselves moves to this dark side.
Trouble pops up when we fail to see it.
Get this: The shadow can operate on its own without our full awareness. It’s as if our conscious self goes on autopilot while the unconscious takes the wheel. Remaining unaware of the shadow harms our relationships with our spouses, family, and friends. It will also impact our professional relationships, as well as our leadership abilities.
“When we deny ourselves a safe outlet to express our dark side - or refuse to even acknowledge its existence - it builds up and becomes a powerful force capable of destroying our life as well as the lives of those around us.”
And those parts of ourselves we slide out of view? We then see them in others.
Whatever qualities we deny in ourselves, we see in others.
In psychology, this is called projection. We project onto others anything we conceal within us.
“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us. ”
For example: Let's say you're pissed at someone for selfishly taking two cookies instead of one, or for interrupting you. This doesn't mean those actions aren't rude. It just means deep down, you recognize those in your shadow self. It should be noted we usually aren't aware of these projections (hopefully you will be after reading this).
These projections distort reality, creating a solid boundary between how we view ourselves and how we behave in reality.
“Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change.”
This is something I'm constantly working on. And you know what? It's not a process from which one ever fully graduates. Sure, it can become easier and more rewarding and enlightening, depending on how you frame it. I've trained myself to appreciate and be grateful for glimpses of my shadow; I now view it as an opportunity to progress and improve myself. But as I indicated with the yin and yang: it's the natural balance of things. Lightness and darkness go hand in hand. It's natural. That darkness has a purpose. Don't let it control you. Accept yourself and accept others. View it with love. Own your darkness and liberate yourself! That will help your light shine even BRIGHTER.
xx,
-w-
“Sometimes someone isn’t ready to see the bright side. Sometimes they need to sit with the shadow first. So be a friend and sit with them. Make the darkness beautiful.”
K.I.S.S.
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance.”
Lately, I'm all about dressing in neutrals/basic pieces. and either accessorizing minimally (with dainty jewelry, etc) or stepping it up with statement pieces (shoes, jewelry, bold lip, etc). Not only does this make packing for trips easier (SCORE!), but it also creates a more timeless, classic, polished look.
This isn't to say I don't enjoy indulging in the occasional trend (cowboy boots, I'm looking at you!). It just means I'm embracing the simple life. As they say, "Keep it simple, stupid." (K.I.S.S.) Okay, so that may actually refer to writing a paper/delivering a speech but...it can apply here too, so i'm appropriating it. Because I can. And replacing "stupid" with "sweetheart" because "stupid" is just R U D E. Right?! Awesome, knew you'd agree.
If you're liking the sound of simplicity here are some tips:
- Stock up on camisoles/tanks/tees in basic colors such as white, black, heather gray, nude, rust, olive green
- Think minimal! Don't overwhelm the look with excessive layers/accessories/etc. Keep it to one statement piece (e.g. funky shoes, bright lip, or even a fun hair style)
- The more simple the look, the more fit counts. Ensure flattering fits
xx,
-w-
DO IT TO IT
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“Be stubborn about your goals and flexible about your methods.”
Have you ever had a task you know you need to do, but you just cannot find the motivation to do it? You have a chore to check off, or an errand to run, or a call to make, or a paper to write.
Or maybe it's not yourself you're trying to motivate - maybe you're trying to prompt someone else to do something. You're trying to encourage your kids to do their homework, or your husband to start a garden with you.
Wanna hear a cool motivational hack I found?
To give credit where credit's due, I'll start by saying I heard about this neato trick while listening to one of my fave podcasts: The Tim Ferriss Show. Tim was interviewing Daniel Pink, a New York Times and Wall Street Journal best-selling author about work, management, and behavioral science so...bro knows his stuff.
Here's how it works:
Let's say you're trying to talk yourself into getting your bunz off the couch and working out. Start by asking yourself: on a scale of 1 - 10, how motivated am I right now? Let's say you rate yourself at a solid 2. So you then ask yourself: Why am I not a 0? (Maybe a different direction than you thought it was going, right?) In response, some of the following reasons may come to mind: "I know exercise is good for me"; "I want to be healthy"; "I want to lose weight"; "I want to tone up"; "I want to be healthy for my kids"; "I'm training for a race and want to be ready."
Boom. You just articulated your own, autonomous, intrinsically motivated reasons for doing it. Not someone else's reasons. YOURS. It elicits and spotlights why you recognize it's something you ought to do. It can realign you to your initial motivation for committing to the goal.
The key here is whenever you're able to prompt yourself/others to articulate your/their reasons for doing something, you're/they're more likely to follow through.
Powerful, right?
In a later post, we'll discuss intrinsic (internal; originating within the person) vs. extrinsic (external) motivation.
Peace and blessings!
xx,
-w-
BEING KIND > BEING RIGHT
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
Have you ever been talking with a group of people, and someone in the group starts spouting off a bunch of facts that aren'ttttt exactly true, and you feel compelled to set them straight? Or they start wildly embellishing a story, and you feel the urge to offer the, you know...TRUE version? Or maybe you're arguing with a friend, and they really messed up and dropped the friendship ball, and are getting defensive and combative when you call them out on it.
I don't know about you, but in situations like these, my hunger to be right is POWERFUL. They're wrong, and the world needs to know.
“I am practicing being kind instead of being right.”
The more I learn about life, the more I realize how inferior being right is to being KIND. Kindness trumps all. However, it should be noted: Kindness doesn't necessarily mean nodding agreeably when someone is spewing inaccuracies that could be harmful/hurtful to others/lead them astray in a significant way. But if your friend is regaling others with her tale of being up front at the Beyonce concert (when in reality she was sharing binoculars with you in the nosebleeds), what's the big deal? Does it hurt anyone? Why embarrass her in front of others, just to set the record straight?
“Not all truths need to be voiced”
What's more important is to focus on what's causing that person to act the way they're acting, and say the things they're saying. Why do they feel the need to bolster their credibility/image/etc? Are they feeling undervalued and depressed? Are they bumming about a rejection, in their personal or professional life? Are they insecure about their worth? Or in the example of them being a less than ideal friend, what led them to make that mistake?
“Open-minded people don’t care to be right. They care to understand. There’s never a right or wrong answer. Everything is about understanding.”
It can be really tough, but oh-so-more rewarding to check your ego and anger, and dig a little deeper. Dissolve your anger with kindness, compassion, and empathy. At least try to understand why they did what they did. If you do, it's actually a win win: It encourages a more peaceful and effective solution, which discourages repeat occurrences. If you can tease out the root of the problem, you can be the friend they need, and likely prevent it from re-manifesting (as suppressed, unresolved issues often do).
xx,
-w-
O V E R A L L S
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“Fashion has two purposes: comfort and love. Beauty comes when fashion succeeds.”
My sister and I are two verrrryyy different people. She's a brunette, I'm a blondie (the only blonde in the family - she used to delight in trying to convince people I was adopted). She's a sugar booger, I'm a veggie enthusiast. She's a swift decider, I'm a slow ponderer. One of our biggest differences, however, is our approach to fashion. She lives for comfort and I'm willing to defy the elements whenever the weather and my look for the day are at odds.
Wanna hear some great news?! There's a win-win currently trending: overalls! They're easy, they're comfy, and they don't have to be dowdy! Here are some ways you can class them up:
- Pair with a nice blouse/button-up
- Style with a graphic tee
- Wear with a sweater
- Throw on heels (if you do, opt for form-fitting or short overalls)
- Add statement jewelry
If you're concerned about looking too frump-a-licious, here's some guidance:
- Choose form-fitting and/or short overalls
- if the overalls are baggier, wear with a form-fitting shirt
- Have a little fun! You're not limited to blue denim. For example, try striped overalls, or white denim.
xx,
-w-