I am M E and Y O U are Y O U
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“I’m not beautiful like you. I’m beautiful like me.”
Heads up: This is a deeply personal post. Like...I'm about to get reallllyyy real witchu. And you know what? I'm not nervous, or scared, or self conscious. If people read this and think of me differently, I'm okay with that. I'm solid no matter how people perceive me. Vulnerability no longer intimidates me like it used to. Part of that is because I have the best, most supportive people in my life (including you!). But also - I've made peace with what I'm about to share with you! True, lasting peace. I feel solid and great and compelled to share my story to hopefully help others achieve that peace too.
“Two things prevent us from happiness: living in the past and observing others.”
That doesn't mean I'm going to bare all - a girl's gotta have some secrets! I personally feel there's a time and a place to share your story/stories. Ideally, you'd have a purpose (seeking comfort in a confidant, inspiring others, relating to others, etc), so hopefully you find value in this tell all I'm about to throw down.
Okay, okay, enough prefacing...
Like most people - especially girls - I have insecurities. Earth shattering, I know (stop eye rolling and stay with me, this isn't my big reveal!). It's part of the human experience. I accept that and just love myself through them anyway, refusing to let them hold me back. I vanquish them by fully embracing them.
“A rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way, and that’s like women too.”
But it wasn't always like that. One insecurity in particular was my feeling of inferiority regarding my sister. If you know my sister, Brooke, you obvi know how stunningly beautiful she is, and fun and talented and and and and... She is a total dime piece.
It's a wonder we're so close, because we're polar opposites. She quickly decides, I slowly analyze. She hates working out, I'm gaga about fitness. She's the comfort queen, I suffer for fashion. And on and on. We're three years apart, so back when we were growing up, after elementary we never attended the same school, which allowed us to form our own identities - and those identities were pretty different.
“I think a lot of people compare their insides to other people’s outsides.”
Then came college, when we officially became peers. We started hanging out with each other, running around with the same people...and dating within the same circles. If you have a sister/close friend, you know this can get messy. Luckily there were only one or two guys we mutually liked (draaaaama drama drama).
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and you’re still going to find someone who hates peaches.”
However, I soon started to feel swept into her shadow, which soon became a prison for me. I felt like she was prettier, smarter, funnier, better...and I felt like a L O S E R in comparison. Slowly I started to retreat into myself, and acted like I felt. My vibe started getting lower and lower and would just radiate that low energy. I hated going out with her, because I would feel like the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend - go watch the movie - it's cheesy but I love it!).
“Comparison is a slippery slope to envy.”
I'd brace myself for the inevitable, "Your sister is so beautiful/cool/fun" comments, each one like daggers to the heart (I know i know - dramatic much?). Honestly though, I physically felt each casual comment like that. I can't tell you how many times I left outings early, feeling so dejected and insecure. I realize that merely reading about my experience may not impart the same severe despondency I felt but y'all - it was absolutely GNARLY. Let's just say it was a pretty sick workout journaling all my feelings! (And before I go further, I want to note: I LOVE MY SISTER. Anytime I would vent to her, she was incredibly loving and supportive.)
“You’re never going to be ‘her’ or look like ‘her.’ GOOD. We would miss out on you!”
It went on like this for years. I was a slave to my insecurity. Anytime someone would hit that nerve, I would immediately react, usually emotionally and harshly. Brooke is pretty vocal and outspoken. I can be too, but my natural instinct is to balance dynamics, so when I'm with her I'm usually quieter and more reserved. This further fueled the fire, leading me to feel even more like a supporting actress to her leading lady. I remember getting so upset when people would constantly refer to The Paper Doll Boutique (the store we used to own and run together) as Brooke's business. Sure, I understood that much of what drove that assumption was Brooke's physical and vocal presence. She was manning the store during the day, welcoming customers and handling much of the admin issues. I was only there in the evenings, after finishing up at my full-time job during the day. Plus, you definitely know when Brooke is in the room! She's fantastic at meeting and relating to people.
One of the final straws was when I was talking to a colleague friend of mine (at my full-time job) about wanting to ask our store's landlord for something. This friend advised having Brooke ask the landlord instead, because Brooke has the looks and charm to make it happen. As you can imagine, this made me feel less than stellar. After the colleague sensed she'd hit a nerve and tried doing damage control, I confided I understood she meant no harm, but it was a sensitive topic for me. Still attempting to mitigate the damage, she added, "I know it has to be hard growing up under her shadow and never feeling like you're enough. One day that won't matter that you're not as charming or pretty." (Again - she honestly meant no harm.)
It finally clicked for me: it wasn't about me at all. I knew my friend had a parallel experience with her older sister. She was viewing my situation through a lens tainted by her own insecurities. She was seeing herself in me. Anything she was telling me, she was essentially telling herself. IT WASN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL. I'd already known on an intellectual level that people's interactions with and perceptions of you are colored by their own issues and self doubts. Somehow - that kick in the gut really solidified that truth for me.
“Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me.”
I decided to work on reclaiming my confidence and power I'd given away all those years. The truth is, I let myself feel inferior. Trust me, I'm not criticizing myself - I acknowledge this with a full amount of love and compassion toward myself. But the bottom line remains: I have power over my thoughts and emotions. I have SO MUCH to offer, and I was wasting it by losing myself in comparison. I was determined to reignite my spark.
“The truth is, comparing ourselves to others doesn’t just steal our joy, it robs those around us of the rare gift of someone who has learned to offer their uniqueness to the world.”
“Stay in your lane. Comparison kills creativity and joy.”
Okay, I'm about to get all Tony Robbins/Oprah/lovey dovey on you. You still with me? Each one of us has a sparkle to share with the world. I 100% believe that and am desperate for everyone to know that too. And I mean, REALLY know that - to your core.
“Don’t compare your real life to someone else’s controlled online content.”
It's alarmingly easy to become consumed by comparison, especially with the social media highlight reels we're ambushed with on the daily. I'm constantly having to bitch slap self doubts that try to slither in my thoughts: "Oh, she's so creative. How did she execute that? She's so much more skilled than I am.." "She's a friggin' business prodigy, and she's only 22? Wish I would've been that astute at that age." "She's a millionaire before age 30? Dayumm, how would that be?"
“Just because they reached certain milestones before you did doesn’t mean you won’t get there, too. There are enough houses, marriages, dogs, money, cars, jobs, and vacations to go around.”
The more watchful and protective I've become over my thoughts, the more agile and adept I am at keeping them happy and pure and free of dem low vibez. I've conditioned myself to be GENUINELY happy for others' success and blessings, without feeling like it diminishes my own. "That guy has a thriving business and blissful relationship? THAT'S AWESOME!" "That girl has legs for days and a contagious personality? What a babe!" Their success is not my failure! I've learned to view the world through an abundance mindset (more on this in a later post). There isn't a finite amount of money/success/blessings to go around. Yo - we can A L L be happy and successful and beautiful! There's plenty for all of us. What a concept!
“Comparison isn’t just the thief of joy, it’s the thief of EVERYTHING. Keep your eyes on your purposeful path. Celebrate others. Celebrate progress, not perfection. Cultivate gratitude over comparison. Gratitude turns what we have into more than enough.”
So let's celebrate our differences. Celebrate ourselves. Celebrate EACH OTHER. We can all rock at the same time!
xx,
-w-
I A M pretty part deux
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
“Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage and going straight to pretty? No, no, you get braces and wear blue eyeshadow. You do your time.”
I don't know about you, but I'm progressively amazed at how "mature" teenagers look these days. And no, it's not because I'm getting older. It's because the teenagers of today are night-and-day different from the teenagers of the past! It used to be a rite of passage to take selfies (complete with brace face and cringe-worthy makeup) screaming of adolescent awkwardness. These days, selfies include perfected posing, expertly-applied makeup, and strategized lighting. I'm convinced they added a "Perfecting Your Pouty Face" to the middle school curriculum. NO FAIR.
My sister and I are continually floored each year when our high school seniors (she photographs, I style) show up already knowing how to move their bodies and pose. They know their angles, they nail the fake laugh, they slay the smize (smiling with your eyes)... It's a whole new breed.
A really good amiga recently shared a Beauty Redefined article titled Save Your Girls From Instagram (linked below and in the blog's Resources). A must read for everyone, especially parents.
The article spotlights the message society (which includes you and me!) sends our youth, particularly our young women. Here's a little taste:
“You exist for others’ viewing pleasure. Your happiness and self worth [are] directly connected to your ability to command increasing likes, follows, and DMs. Your beauty is defined by specific ideals set constantly out of reach and ever changing. [Your] joy will come from documenting perfectly poised, styled, and edited images of your experiences - not the experiences themselves. Your looks are your most valuable asset. Your body will earn you love, popularity, and self esteem.”
I mean...where do I even start with this? So much to dissect! And it's spot freaking on, is it not?!
Here are some questions to ask ourselves:
- When looking at a new account, how many times do you peek at the person's followers, to secretly know just how much credit/respect/social media cred to assign that person?
- How many of you monitor your own likes and followers, feeling jazzed when you get more?
- How many times have you been out with friends/on a date/on a vacation/etc and focused on exactly how to curate a shot so you can post it on social media? (Because if you don't 'gram it, did it even really happen?) You're more intent on making it appear as if you're having the time of your life, than actually having the time of your life.
- How many times while standing in the checkout line have you seen women's magazine covers advising us on how to "Embrace those curves, Mama (pg. 15)" then instructing on how to "Drop 15 to get that summer body you've always wanted (pg. 16)"? (Mixed message much??? Especially when they then offer a delicious cake recipe on pg. 17!!)
Do any of these questions resonate with you? I know they do with me.
Sure, we can blame social media for objectifying females, but the truth is, we receive/send similar messages every day: through the way we talk to/about each other (little ears are often listening!), the way females give/receive validation and respect, the way we define health/fitness (visible abs do NOT always equal a healthy, fit body!), the way we try to attract romantic attention... Few and far between are the guys who slide into my DMs telling me what a "sweet spirit" I have. But we can't really just vilify the dudes because we're A L L part of the society which perpetuates this image-centric message. And a major conduit for this message is social media.
Social media is powerful, right? Don't get me wrong, it offers an array of benefits. It can connect like-minded individuals and twin souls (romantic/platonic). People you normally wouldn't have crossed paths with otherwise. It cultivates friendships, nourishes visions, ignites movements, sparks ideas, facilitates partnerships. But it also can send a dangerous message: that what you look like matters most. From celebrities advertising flat tummy teas, to "fitness" influencers guiding you how to transform from flab to fab, to beauty advocates teaching you how to "glow up" (all accompanied by body-baring, perfectly-poised pictures because those get the most likes) - it all solidifies the message that your image is your identity, and your source of value/worth.
I mean, H E L L O - it's hard enough growing up and navigating puberty. But to do it in a time where beauty standards have been raised to supermodel heights - forget about it! Being constantly inundated with images of peers who have *seemingly* achieved those standards - it's beyond defeating and exhausting and disgusting. And dangerous. So so dangerous. Hence the rising rates of suicide, and bullying, and depression.
PARENT PSA (public service announcement): Even if you spend considerable time on social media, you have no idea to what kids are really exposed. They are savvier than you are, and targeted with ideals and messages you aren't. As the article asserts:
“We are here to promise you that the burden of objectification that will be placed upon your daughter’s shoulders is much, much heavier than the burden you will carry by encouraging her to stay off Instagram. Even if everyone else is on.”
The article provides pros and cons for parents to consider, questions to discuss with their kids, and suggested rules for social media usage (should parents decide to allow it). Even if you don't have kids, I highly recommend reading the article, because it affects us all. None are immune.
So let's start a revolution, by first loving ourselves (see previous post for inspo!) and encouraging and allowing others to love themselves. Let's change how we talk to ourselves, how we talk to others, and how we talk about others. Let's emphasize good hearts and kind souls instead of tight bunz and toned legs. Let's promote intelligence and good vibes over beauty and looks.
And this isn't to say you have to choose between liking fashion/makeup and being a good person. Hell no! I mean, look at me - I style clients to look and feel their best, and have a whole blog section dedicated to style. To me, it's a form of art and self-expression. Where it becomes bad news is when you're unable to separate your identity from your image; when what you look like and the attention you receive control your emotions and feelings of self worth; when you let beauty standards/others' opinions keep you from living your life and doing things. For example: Are you one of those people who does juuuust enough at the gym so you can still walk out looking cute? Screw that. That right there is prioritizing your looks over your health. No bueno!!
Let's all take care of ourselves and one another. Deal?!
https://beautyredefined.org/save-your-girls-from-instagram/
xx,
-w-
Get On Ya Feet
Photos by Brooke Richardson Photography
Wanna know something scary? Don't worry, I never list a problem without providing a solution.
SITTING IS KILLING US.
Whether you're deep in a Netflix binge or chained to a desk at work, the result is the same: bad news. Sedentary lifestyles are no bueno, and we're sucked into them for a number of reasons:
- Technology makes our lives increasingly more convenient
- Social media hooks us (HELLO mindless scrolling)
- Jobs limit us to one spot for long periods of time (this includes commuting)
I used to think I was in the clear because I consistently worked out and prioritized fitness. PSYYYYYCHE. Turns out, research shows no matter how hard you kill it in the gym, no amount of time or intensity can offset the effects of you being sedentary for 5+ hours. Get this: Sitting for over five hours is the health equivalent to smoking a pack of cigs a day. YIKES.
However, there is a remedy: standing up every 10 minutes. Ideally, you get the heart pumping a little while you're at it, by doing squats/lunges/jumping jacks/etc, but at the very least, get off your booty.
Set a timer on your phone to remind you to stand up every ten minutes. Pretty soon, your body will prompt you naturally. For a few years now, I've been standing up every ten minutes, and like clockwork, my body will start screaming at me to stand up on that tenth minute. It's incredible. I personally do squat/lunge variations for a few seconds when I stand.
Still not convinced? Get a load of the following:
- Sitting for long periods of time can cause changes in your muscles. You stop breaking up fat in your bloodstream and start accumulating fat. You get sleepy and gain weight. [New York Times Phys Ed columnist Gretchen Reynolds in her book The First 20 Minutes in an NPR article, inked below].
- When you stand, your heart beats ten times more per minute than when you sit. In a year, this adds up to more than 30,000 calories burned, which equates to running ten marathons [Ragan.com article, linked below]
- Taking walking or water breaks throughout the day can increase productivity by 60 percent!
So LET'S STAND TOGETHER.
xx,
-w-
Resources:
http://annals.org/aim/article-abstract/2653704/patterns-sedentary-behavior-mortality-u-s-middle-aged-older-adults
https://www.npr.org/2012/05/09/152336802/stand-up-walk-around-even-just-for-20-minutes
https://www.ragan.com/Main/Articles/Standing_every_20_minutes_negates_the_effects_of_s_49947.aspx
L A Y E R I N G
We almost did it. We almost made it through with a mild winter and minimal snow. Mother Nature be like, "PSSSSYYYCCHHEEE!" Joke's on us! At least if you live in Idaho.
Let's look at the bright side! Now we have more time and justification to wear those cozy chic winter clothes.
Let's talk layering. If spring fever seduced you into stashing those winter threads away out of reach already, then today's post is still for you - maybe even especially for you!
The layering trend piggybacked onto the '90s revival that swept the nation, and the trend lingered. This is fantastic for those transitional seasons (winter to spring, fall to winter), while the weather tries to figure its shiz out (as if it ever really does lately though, right?! Insert climate change "I told you so" here).
Back to layering. Here's a list of reasons to layer:
- Makes it easy to accommodate temperature fluctuations
- Takes a look from hoochie to professional (now you can wear your cute new spaghetti strap dress/top to work without getting sent home!)
- Allows you to maintain modesty
- Secures your spot on any current "best-dressed list"
To keep from looking like a schlump (like you rolled out of bed/gained 16 lbs) is to layer form-fitting items. You can get away with a looser-fitting item if the rest are tight. This is especially true if you're curvy! Form-fitting hugs and accentuates those curves, tapering in under them to show you actually do have a waist and legs. We'll address dressing for your body type in another post.
Layering form-fitting items is also crucial if you're dressing for a photo shoot. Let's face it: cameras add bulk. Reduce the bulk by keeping it tooiiiigghhtt like a toiiiggga (translation: tight like a tiger, in a Dutch accent, per Austin Powers: Goldmember).
In my looks here, I had some fun with the look. I paired a solid-color dress with a tight thermal top with a fun print. To add warmth, I threw on thick knit tights. To add impracticality (not intentionally, but I don't let the weather tell me how to live my life!) I put on gold heels. For an extra punch, I wore a fun headband (as my nod to Gossip Girls, and because headbands just rule - I'm convinced they'll make a comeback).
Images by Brooke Richardson Photography
You can be as polished/casual/grunge as you want to be with layering. Try a tight sweater under a dress, or a graphic tee under a lacy top/dress (that juxtaposition between dressy/casual makes it extra fun).
Happy layering!
xx,
-w-
